Tuesday, July 7, 2015


I'm kind of slumping today. Expressive word, slump. The definition for this one that most resonates with me today is "to sink into a bog, muddy place, etc...". (I've always liked the word "bog", too) And today I feel like I'm sinking into a muddy bog...of fear. 

Life has been pretty weird lately. There have been some very high highs and some very low lows, interspersed between the expected ups and downs of life as I know it. There are things that are going very well - surprisingly well, in fact. I've had the privilege of leading some wonderful, powerful, beautiful times of corporate worship over the last few weeks; songs continue to burst out of my pencil onto the page; Chris is doing some really transformational work in recording our CD; our family's summer rhythm is coming together, wherein I'm carving out time for writing and study and reflection on a fairly regular basis. All things considered, marriage is good; parenting is good (with the usual speed bumps along the way...).

But now I'm getting scared. What if I can't pull this off? What if I can't keep this momentum going? What if I can't fulfill the mission God's calling me into? What if I just chicken out? Quit. Because some things are hard right now. Really hard - disheartening, discouraging, downright dismal. I feel defeated, deflated. The hard things are tainting all the brilliant, lovely, hopeful things with their ugly shades of brown (I've always rather liked gray). This state of affairs is doing its best to get me to believe that this calling can't be done - at least not by me. 

I guess my biggest fear is that I haven't changed enough. Throughout my life, my overwhelming tendency has been to quit when the going got the slightest bit rough. I so badly want to see this through, but I know myself. There are so many ways that I fall short of my own expectations. Of what I think a "good Christian" should look like. 

But oh - do you see what I'm doing there? I just saw it myself! I'm projecting my own expectations onto God! How silly of me... Of course, God does have great expectations, holy requirements for His children. But unlike myself, He also heaps on oodles of love and grace and power, making it not only possible but wonderful to live life in Him. I keep forgetting that God is for me, not against me; that He's not mad at me; that He's on my side! What a refreshing reminder - thank you, God!

I have another fear, too. I'm afraid I might actually succeed - that this ministry and these songs and stories might get out there and make a difference to someone - and then what? Do I have the necessary follow-through to, well, follow through? Or will I give in to the urge to quit then? Because success is quite as daunting and frightening as failure. 

A beautiful promise just popped into my mind as I was typing those fear-filled words above:

...being confident of this, 
that he who began a good work in you 
will carry it on to completion 
until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6

Let's hang on to that one, shall we? 

1 comment:

  1. I hear you loud and clear! It all sounds so familiar...but you have already remembered the most important thing; God will work through His willing vessels. I heard a quote not too long ago...you have likely heard it before, "God does not call those who are able; He enables those who are called." Your willingness to be obedient is all that's required. He amazingly can take our feeble (-to-us-) efforts and do something glorious with them! Besides, He equips us with just what we need when we need it (so it's done by faith in His power and not our own abilities) and He deserves all the glory anyway! Give all the fear and doubts over to Him and confess you can't do it without Him (it always takes the pressurre off me-lol)...and He ALWAYS comes through! God bless you!
    BTW love that verse you ended with.