Better Together

It's a big day here at (the) real joy! About a year or so ago, God planted a tiny seed of an idea in my heart. It's been germinating and sprouting and growing along with me as I discover and explore who God has made me to be and what His call is on my life. I believe that today is the day to reveal it!

As I've been traveling this path of discovery and recovery and healing and growth over the past eight years, I've had the strong impression that the fruits of it all weren't just for me, for my own benefit and joy; that they were meant to be shared and multiplied. 

And so, with much careful planning, preparation and prayer, I'm launching a new venture. It's called "The Real You", a counselling practice in which I'm offering a fresh mix of traditional psychology, life coaching and spiritual guidance. My goal is to walk with you, helping you uncover and develop your true, authentic, best self. 

What might this look like? Each journey will be as unique as the person who walks it. We might delve into your past to examine your hurts, habits and hang-ups; replace old lies with new truths; challenge unhealthy thought patterns; look at how the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual work together for overall optimal fitness; establish goals and accountability... Each journey will be tailored to meet the needs and aspirations of the individual. We might travel together for a few weeks, several months, a year or more - flexible and specific is the name of the game. 

Here's the nitty-gritty: This service will be offered online via the (free) Zoom platform, making it possible to meet with pretty much anyone from anywhere - men, women and youth. In addition to weekly hour-long sessions, I will be available through email and text for extra discussion and support. The cost of this service is fifty dollars per session, payable through e-transfer. Sessions will be offered evenings and weekends at the availability of both parties. Our first meeting will be at no cost, and will be used to determine whether what I have to offer is what you're looking for. 

And what do I have to offer, exactly? Over the years, I've taken courses in psychology, life coaching and spiritual formation and leadership and have applied these in a variety of non-professional counselling relationships. I've also been on a very intentional journey of my own - that has included professional counselling - and have experienced breakthroughs and healing in many areas, including mental health, self-image, food addiction, marital issues, abuse, fear, trust, control and more. 

I really want to do my little bit to end the stigma that surrounds mental heath and counselling - especially in Christian circles. My heart's greatest desire is to take what I've learned and lived and use it to help others achieve breakthrough and recovery - AND peace and hope and joy and love and power and success and confidence and freedom! Who doesn't want that?! 

(If you think you or someone you love could benefit from what I'm offering, please contact me at joyefeltmate@gmail.com - it could be your first step in a life-changing journey!)

The Renovations Continue (and a happy eighth birthday to the blog!)

Have you ever taken on a major renovation project? I can't say that I have, but as HGTV is the only channel I watch (well, ok - occasionally the food network, too 😊), I've observed a fair number of them. And invariably, just as things are trucking along, everything comes to a screeching halt as some unforeseen challenge arises: hidden water damage, cracked foundations, rotted floor joists... The homeowners despair as they are confronted with the bad news, and wonder why they ever took this project on in the first place. But in the end, usually after a significant investment of even more time and money, the problem is corrected and the home is more secure, efficient, durable and beautiful than ever before.

I lied when I said I'd never taken on a major renovation project... eight years ago, I began the serious and intense work of self-renovation. It started with the deeply disturbing and oddly liberating processes of self-awareness and self-revelation. I had no idea what I was getting myself into; prior to that point, I was moving right along, blissfully unaware of the mess that lay just below my cheerful, oblivious exterior. That I would unearth a severely cracked character, morbid motives, distorted childhood memories, rotten habits, carefully-concealed addictions, dysfunctional relationships and a diseased body and mind made me want to run screaming and bury my head in the sands of ignorance more than once.

Nevertheless, I persevered. Not without discouraging set-backs and looooong breaks, but the work continued. As I read back over the eight years of posts on this blog, I still recognize that lost little girl who was hopelessly addicted to food and approval, who desperately desired validation yet could see absolutely no reason to receive it. She's still there - there's a reason they call it "recovery".

But oh, the victories along the way!! And the beautiful individuals who came alongside to guide me through!! And downright miracles - so many miracles!! And more than anything, the lavish love of my Father that I was finally enabled to acknowledge and receive!! The journey has been more challenging than I could ever have imagined, but infinitely more rewarding and valuable, as well.

"Journey" is the right word, though. I used to believe that one day, I'd "arrive" - that there would be no more issues to work through, no more problems to solve, no more character flaws to tackle... and I will "arrive", but not on this side of eternity. My life has recently underscored this truth for me in some glaringly obvious ways.

Since I was healed from bipolar disorder in March of  2017 (you can read about that miracle here), my life has been vastly different and I've been able to do all sorts of things that were previously impossible for me; but that sneaking feeling that I had "arrived" began to creep in again. Thankfully (with just a wee bit of sarcasm here 😏), God has relieved me of that impression once again.

Three weeks ago, I attended my first weekly Celebrate Recovery meeting. CR is "a Christ-centered 12-step program designed to help us overcome any hurt, habit and hang-up". In those three weeks, I have again been confronted by my very worst self. It's been horrible.

On the other hand, though, it's been beautiful. A CR gathering is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Pretty much everyone there is or has been at the end of their rope; they frankly acknowledge that they are wounded and broken and are powerless to heal themselves. The worship times are raw and powerful; the teaching is authentic and practical; the small group sharing circles are heart-wrenching and real. Overwhelming? Yes, but exactly what my soul needs right now. (More about my discoveries in future posts, I'm sure.)

So... the last eight years have been... good. So thankful that "He's still workin' on me" 😊

(some hard, physical evidence of the ongoing renovations - 

indescribably grateful ❤)

Renovating Me

Last time we met here, I told you about a course I would be taking: Spiritual Formation and Leadership from Renovare (reno-VAR-ay) Institute. (By the way, Renovare simply means [in latin, I believe] renewal, or for my purposes, renovation ☺) This three year journey includes lots of reading, some writing, weekly on-line chats with my "cohort" and twice-a-year retreats in Saskatoon. 

I arrived home a couple of days ago from our first retreat, and by a series of fortunate events am enjoying a whole week off (my work family is on vacation ☺) in which to process the experience. Talk about perfect timing! 

The retreat was wonderful. We gathered at a Catholic retreat center called Queen's House, which was right on the South Saskatchewan river. Our group had met three or four times online prior to this retreat, but really didn't know each other very well at all. And such a diverse group! Three men, three women, all of different ages and backgrounds... it's amazing to me to look back on how quickly we bonded and started living into our true identity as brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I think what really brought us together was our common desire for something more. We all want to go deeper with God, whatever that might look like. That shared goal swept away any barriers that might have kept us as a distance from one another. There's something so sweet about journeying with like-minded souls towards a mutual purpose. 

The fellowship was really beautiful. And fun! Oh my goodness, so much laughter and good-natured teasing! That's one thing my spirit was hungering for - true connection with real live people. It was delightful getting to know everyone, sharing our stories and offering encouragement and a listening ear. So much wisdom around the table! 

And such a welcome change of pace from my day-to-day life! I hadn't realized to the full how much working full-time was draining me. Not so much physically anymore, but spiritually and emotionally. With only five or six waking hours at home per day now, it's been a huge challenge to fit in everything that I need to do, let alone the things I want to do.  

So it was extra-refreshing to walk (and sit) along the river for three hours one afternoon, or lay in bed and read before breakfast, or sing at the top of my lungs in an empty chapel, or pray for my new friends and be prayed for by them... even not having to cook was a blessing!

After having a bit of time to reflect on the entire experience, two significant points have emerged for me. One - it reminded me of who I am. Or more specifically, that there is more to me than my nine-to-five life might reveal. It was such a joy to be able to dust off some of my gifts that often sit on the shelf these days, like intercession, encouragement, worship leadership and (hopefully) wise counsel. That experience has led me to determine to dust them off more regularly, even in my current contexts.  

Two - and this one just hit home to me this morning as I was returning from a refreshing woodsy walk (and may be closely related to number one). Literally out of the blue, it started just pouring rain. Anyone who knows me well is well-aware of my pluviophile tendencies, and might guess that I was smiling broadly as I faced the wild wind and pounding rain. It always seems to me such a gift from my Father who knows me so well. But as I cheerfully fought my way through the elements, sopping wet, I recognized just how dry I am in my spirit. This weekend away was really just a very refreshing drop on my parched tongue. There's such a deep dryness in me; it will take some time and reflection and intention to slake it sufficiently. But I'm aware of it now, I think that's the first important step. 

I'm so, so grateful for everything God has done to move me in the direction of quenching my thirst - the thirst I didn't even know was there. Looking forward with eager anticipation to see how He wants to renovate me!

What Do You Want?

It's the most...wonderful tiiiiiiime... of the year! Kiddos here in Ontario head back to their hallowed halls of learning tomorrow! Can I get a hallelujah?! 

My guys are beyond excited - which is so nice to see. A year ago, we had just arrived in ON, the boys knew practically no one, had seen their new school exactly once, and had no idea what to expect. Excited? A bit. More like nervous, anxious, a tad freaked out... There's such comfort in the familiar. 

I'm heading into some unfamiliar territory of my own in the next week or so. In addition to my full-time job, I'll be pursuing a three-year Certificate in Spiritual Formation and Leadership from Renovare Institute. 

It's funny how one thing leads to another and another, making connections you'd never anticipated and taking you places you didn't even know existed, awaking within you desires you hadn't allowed yourself to examine closely and insisting you pay attention. It's so cool to look back and see God's guidance and intervention!

I've recently discovered in my secret soul a yearning for some structure in my spiritual life, a longing to go deeper with God and people. It started not long after I started working full-time. Previously, I'd had hours and hours every day in which to read, write, reflect, walk, worship and pray. It was a shock to my spiritual system to suddenly have all that taken away. 

I kind of pushed those feelings to the side for awhile; I just didn't have the time or energy to deal with them as I adjusted to being out of the house for nine hours each day. But they wouldn't stay there, neatly tucked away. As they clamoured for attention, I started seeking ways to nourish my spirit in the little time I could cull out of the "cook, clean, collapse" routine at the end of my days. 

Facebook to the rescue! I ate up the little bite-sized nuggets of wisdom and encouragement offered in status updates of people who were on the same path. One thing led to another, which eventually led me to a singer/songwriter/prophet, an old college friend and Renovare. 

And all that has led me to this observation/question:

You need to worship well. Because you are what you love.

And you worship what you love.
And you might not love what you think.
Which raises an important question. Let's dare to ask it.
What do you want?"

James K. A. Smith

I want depth. I want structure. I want community. I want intimacy. I want authentic connections. I want wisdom. I want purpose. I want to be transformed. I want to be used. I want more. 

What do you want? 

Impossibly Impassable

I just got home from the BEST. VACATION. EVER. No, seriously - I can't imagine a better one. It wasn't a trip-of-a-lifetime to some exotic, far-away locale. It wasn't a thrilling succession of new people and places and experiences. There were no euphoria-inducing roller coasters or gourmet dinners. It was just... HOME.

Many of my readers know that I hail from the cozy little town of Woodstock in New Brunswick, Canada. With a population of five thousand, it may not be the most happening place on the planet, but it's home. And I hadn't been back in almost six years.

It was delightful - for many reasons. For one, New Brunswick is beautiful; my nature-loving soul was enjoying a continual feast. Early-morning walks along the river, trips to the beach, uninterrupted sunrises and sunsets... bliss.

But for once, it wasn't all about the scenery, gorgeous as it was. It was about the people.

(A little backstory: I've suffered from bipolar disorder for most of my life, and didn't know it until two years ago. Thanks to the resulting ups and downs, any visit I made back home consisted mainly of drinking in the natural beauty and lounging around my parents' house. However, it's been over a year since I've experienced any bipolar symptoms {for details about that, see this post}. In real life, this translates into more energy, more consistency, steadier emotions, less desire for isolation and more inclination to be with people. I've also lost sixty pounds in the past year, which has definitely helped boost both my energy and confidence!)

This was the first time ever that I dared to reach out to some significant people from various points in my past. I was a little nervous, attempting to connect with individuals whom I hadn't seen face to face in as much as twenty five years, but oh, I'm so glad I did! Everyone I contacted seemed downright delighted at the prospect of seeing me. That was (pleasant) surprise number one.

Surprise number two came from the visits themselves. I ended up connecting with around a dozen people - met some for coffee or lunch, visited a few in their homes, walked and talked in the park, chatted in a parking lot and a church stairwell... I was hugged and fed and watered and prayed with and prophesied over and encouraged. We laughed and cried and reminisced and caught up on our lives; shared hopes and dreams and talked through worries and fears. It was all so good.

Boiled down, it all had a very healing effect. I felt as though many of those precious friendships from the past had been drawn into my present - that they weren't just old connections but current ones, bridging my past to my future in the most wonderful way. Perhaps this was especially meaningful because of our recent move and now-lack of close, deep, local friendships. But whatever the logic behind it, it was a beautiful thing. I'm so thankful for these dear souls who were/are willing to share their lives with me ❤

And as if all that wonderfulness isn't enough, there was another, even more unanticipated outcome. There's been a personal issue I've been pounding away at for over two years now, with not much progress. But as I experienced the joy of community, of belonging, of soul-to-soul connecting, I found that the path that had seemed so impossibly impassable suddenly opened up a bit, allowing me to take a few more steps forward. I had no idea how interconnected the different parts of my life are, and that breakthrough in one area could lead to breakthrough in another - totally unrelated - area. (And may I add here a hearty "hallelujah!"?)

Ahhhh, that's better. I've been struggling to define what happened in me on this most satisfying of holidays, and I understand it all a little better now. Thanks for listening 😊❤

Blooming Where I'm Planted

It's Springtime here in southern Ontario, and the woods are full of the most exquisite wildflowers - so many different shapes, sizes, colours, textures and scents, all thriving out there in their own unique ways. It makes my heart sing. ❤

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and what I want it to look like; more specifically, how to really bloom where I've been planted. Having been employed as a full-time nanny for three whole months now has given me a new perspective on many things - I appreciate my family, the weekend, any chance to visit the restroom unaccompanied, and any time off so much more than I ever did in the past, when I was either unemployed or doing very flexible church work.

(My work family is travelling next week, which leaves me with NINE WHOLE DAYS OFF! I really want to make the most of them, rather than having the time pass me by as I play Word Cookies on my phone all day. Thus this post... )

I guess I can admit now that the first six weeks of my new job were really dreadful - not the work itself, necessarily, but the adjusting to a new schedule and the exhaustion of my new responsibilities, the novelty of getting dressed EVERY DAY and wondering what awful, unexpected thing I would face next. I felt that my new employers had VERY high expectations to which I would never, ever measure up.

But eventually, everything fell into place and I realized one evening that I wasn't completely spent at the end of the day, that I actually liked the little people I was hanging out with, and that my employers genuinely appreciated my efforts to nurture their children and manage their home. (AND we were able to pay ALL our bills EVERY month - hallelujah!!)

So, while I don't mind my nine-to-five life (actually 7:45-4:30☺), it's got me asking hard questions about my talents and desires and dreams and goals.

Questions like: What am I really good at? What brings me joy? What's my purpose here, really? What would I do if money wasn't an issue? How do I go about building a life that glorifies God, serves others, uses my gifts and satisfies my soul? (And pays the bills...) What would that look like?

When I look at my current situation, it does indeed meet some of the above criteria. For that, I give thanks. However, as I look towards the not-so-far-off finish line of this particular season (July 2019), I'm inspired to consider how I can enhance the present in a way that will lead to future God-honouring satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy.

I'm beginning to formulate some answers to the big questions, but it's still a mystery to me how I might fit some of these joy-giving practices into the four or so hours I have each night between getting home, cooking supper, spending a little time with my family, preparing for the next day and falling into bed.

How do you do it? Are you living the life of your dreams? If not, why not? If so, how? How do we bloom where we're planted? I'd love to hear your stories. ❤

Nanny

I've spent the last few weeks job-hunting (again!). I applied to a wide variety of jobs - ice cream scooper, online tutor, insurance underwriter, copy editor, retail sales management, farm hand... and the list goes on.

I was getting desperate. (I mean, farm hand - really?)  Our family finances were looking worse all the time. One day, I stumbled upon an ad for a nanny position that led me to a website full of them - so many people looking for childcare!

Confession time: even though I have an education degree, and even though I've worked for many years in children's ministry positions, I have always thought I hated working with kids, and would always say, "never again!" when a job would inevitably come to an end. 

However, I've recently realized that negative voice was really a symptom of bipolar disorder - which, thanks be to God!, seems to be a thing of the past. That realization, coupled with a bit of insight gleaned from a recent sermon at my church, led me to give working with children another shot. I started applying for daytime nanny jobs in my area - and there were so many!

A couple with two little boys, who had suddenly lost their previous nanny due to health issues, contacted me. I met with them the next day, and was hired.

I work Monday to Friday, 7:45am to 4:30pm. My primary job is looking after the boys; I'm also responsible for cooking and cleaning. So far, it's been good. I've connected with the kids, and I foresee that there will be lots of joys along with hard work. I'm optimistic about the future with them.

My work hours, which are excellent, also mean that I no longer can see my own boys off to school or be there when they get home. My husband has taken over morning duty, and the kids are old enough (and responsible enough) to be on their own after school.

I have to admit, this was an unexpectedly hard pill to swallow. I've always had flexible jobs (or no job) which enabled me to be at home with my guys. I never really appreciated that incredible blessing and privilege until now. It breaks my heart to know I can't send them out the door with a prayer and a hug in the mornings, nor greet them when they get off the bus in the afternoon.

But this experience has also helped me really understand the value of the service I'm providing for this family. It's not just putting in time - keeping the kids alive until their parents get home 😊. I'm essentially a substitute parent, loving and training and teaching and disciplining and protecting and guiding; providing a measure of peace for parents who feel the same way I do when I have to leave my boys. 

I've promised this family a year. After that, I'm starting to sense glimmers of a broader plan. I feel like God may be leading me back into the educational system. When I graduated with my B. ED. waaaay back in 2001, I had determined there was no way I could be a teacher. With the bipolar diagnosis still years away, I blamed myself for all the ways I was lacking as a potential educator.

I'm starting to see things differently now. Ah, we never know what wonders God has in store - this path has had so many unexpected twists and turns. I'm grateful for each one; each one has held surprising beauty and treasure and good. I expect no less of the future; I forge ahead in confidence and joy, trusting the One who leads me on.

Sacred Space

Sacred Space

January 22nd, 2018

You draw me by Your kind embrace

Again and again to this sacred space

Water flows and wild birds sing

All Earth bursts with praise for the King

A sanctuary amid the trees

A secret place where I can see

With eyes afresh and heart ablaze

 Your tender love for me, always

Winter white and springtime green

Summer’s heat and Fall air keen

Each reveals a lovely part

Of Your vast and pure and joy-filled heart

You whisper to me in the wind

Your love You never will rescind

Though I may doubt and question why

Your love, it reaches to the sky

That You would fill this earthy place

And You would manifest Your grace

To one poor seeker, weak and wild

That You would call her “Daughter, Child”

43

It's become a tradition for me over the past few years to write a birthday blog post. And now it's that time again - I'll soon have completed my forty-third lap around the sun!

(Forty-three - wow. Seems so close to fifty, which I used to think was officially old age. But when I look at the fifty-somethings that I know, I'm so inspired - fifty is NOT old!)

As usual, it's been a pretty crazy year - I'm coming to realize that each year is it's own brand of crazy ☺ A cross-country move, a major healing, a renewed business opportunity... it's been a year-full of transition and transformation and trust, growth and goodness and grace.

What I'm most excited about, though, is a MAJOR breakthrough in my relationship with food. Just over three months ago, a friend of mine had posted a picture of she and her husband, who had achieved significant weight loss and health gains by following a ketogenic eating plan.

I was intrigued. I had been hearing about this particular eating plan (not diet - I have come to hate that word; this is NOT a diet, it's a life-change) and it sounded like something I might actually be able to DO. (Anyone who knows me at all will know that I've been trying to lose weight practically my whole life, with little to no lasting success; when you're four-foot-nine-and-a-half, even a little extra weight is a problem, and I'm dealing with a touch more than a little...)

So I went online, I did some research... and I started. In addition to losing weight and getting healthier, I was desperate to confront my life-long dysfunctional relationship with food. Food was everything for me - I turned to food in sadness, sickness, celebration, boredom, stress, uncertainty, gratitude... everything but hunger; not even sure I knew what that was!

Lo and behold, I saw results! I lost fifteen pounds in the first month, and since then it's consistently been one to two pounds per week - THIRTY POUNDS IN THREE MONTHS! Hel-lo! (This is a near-miracle to me - I've never been able to stick with any eating plan for more than six weeks!)

And not only have I lost weight (almost half-way to my goal!), but my relationship with food has changed drastically. I no longer turn to food in response to my emotions. Food has lost it's power over me. (Man, I can't even convey with words how incredibly awesome it is to be able to write that - I have been set free!)

(I'll pause here to address those of you who are preparing cautionary/advisory comments - I know both the positive and negative things that are said about Keto, and about weight-loss in general; but what I'm experiencing is success - for the first time ever. So comment if you must, but please don't be offended if I don't change my mind as a result ❤)

Because of all this, I approach forty-three in high spirits - it's so much fun to watch yourself shrink 😍 I eagerly anticipate all the grace-drenched messy goodness the year will hold. Bring on forty-three!

The Inevitable New Year's Post - 2018 Edition

Farewell, 2017... thanks for the lessons.

2018, let's do this!

I've been going over the events of the past year in my mind and trying to determine whether 2017 was a good year or a bad year. I've come to the conclusion that looking at a year (or anything, for that matter) in such a black-and-white way isn't helpful. It's much more complex than simply "good" or "bad".

Lots of really good things happened in 2017 - I was healed from bipolar disorder (see my previous post for details), my husband found a job he loves and is so good at, we moved to a lovely new city, the kids did well in school and have adjusted beautifully to our major life changes, I've adopted a new attitude towards food and am reaping significant benefits, I've laid the foundation for a successful home-based business and grew in my faith. Good!

But there have been really hard things, too - in finances, in relationships, in transitions, in health, in vocation, in faith.

I'm so thankful that hard doesn't equal bad, though - all of those struggles from the past year have resulted in so much growth and faith and wisdom and patience. I feel a strange gratitude for all of our struggles; we never would have grown as much without them.

As I consider the year ahead, none of the usual resolutions come to mind. I developed some very beneficial habits in 2017 (thanks be to God!) that I will continue to nurture and pursue and tweak in 2018. There are no "new leaves" that need to be turned over that I can see from here - which is an unfamiliar but welcome change.

I do want to continue the tradition of choosing a word for the year, though - even though I'm not sure how much of an impact this has had for me thus far. (I had to look up the words from other years; but I did remember 2017's!) I'm going to write it in big letters on the white board in my office, where I'll see it every day and be reminded to ponder it, study it, practice it and share it. (Actually, this particular one shouldn't be too hard to remember... ☺)

This year, I've chosen to focus on... (drumroll, please) ... JOY - particularly on the meaning of "the joy of the Lord is your strength" from Nehemiah. I want to know the joy, get the joy, and spread the joy around!

Do you have a word, or a goal, or a resolution as we enter 2018? Let's share and help each other towards growth and improvement and consistency and progress!