I've experienced so much growth and renewal and freedom and change in the past months that it's becoming a little overwhelming. Welcome, no question, but so much to process and assimilate and apply to my life... It would seem, however, that God has me right where He wants me, and is calling me to a specific task. To be truthful, He's been calling for awhile. In fact, a few years ago, Chris and I heard the call and got all excited about it and had big dreams and made big plans...and then we got scared. And instead of following the path we knew God was calling us to walk, we took a safer, less risky route (or so it appeared at the time) and failed to answer the call.
Well, God is a God of grace and mercy and perfect timing and patience and persistence and more grace. He never gave up on us, never withdrew the call, never turned His back and walked away from us. On the contrary, He kept on growing us and testing us and challenging us and changing us, shaping us and preparing us to take up the task. Which brings us to the present. Seabreeze, to be exact.
We believe God is calling us to start a ministry. We believe God wants us uprooted Maritimers to write books and blogs, songs and stories that bring refreshment and hope and encouragement to the Church through worship and the Word, and to help empower and equip God's people to fulfill God's call in their own lives. In short, we want to share our God stories.
Part of me is so excited! This is what I was made to do! I find such joy and satisfaction and energy in writing to encourage and leading in worship and telling God stories! I'm thrilled at the thought of doing this for a living!
But...there's also a lot of fear. I'll have to ask people for things: financial and prayer support, bookings, and many more things I haven't even thought of yet, I'm sure...I hate asking people for things, or potentially putting them out in any way - remnants of my people-pleasing penchant. And in addition to that, which in my mind is a very significant obstacle, there are all these doubts and questions that continually nag at me since we've made this leap of faith: Am I too fat to be credible? Too messed up to be trusted? Too honest to be palatable? Too undisciplined to finish the task? Too lazy to actually write a book to its completion? Too insecure to do the humbling work of recording a CD? Can I really do this? Will God really provide? Is this really what He wants?
One thing I do know, God doesn't wait until we're perfect, until we've arrived, to use us. He comes and equips us and anoints us in the middle of our messes and in spite of our shortcomings and questions and fears and doubts (and often because of them), He blesses and ministers and allows us to be His hands and feet and arms and voice in the world, for His glory. I'm not the best singer in the world, but God's given me a voice and songs to sing. I'm not the best writer or speaker, but He's given me a story and the words with which to share it. If I've learned anything at all on this journey, it's that God can and does work in me and through me, just as I am - the real Joy. :)