I love new beginnings. My soul thrills to each new morning as it makes its way over the horizon, replacing the dark with fresh, bright hope. (I am a self-professed #sunrisefanatic) A new day with no mistakes in it yet, as my beloved Anne would say.
My past life is liberally sprinkled with new beginnings, with fresh starts, with do-overs, mostly thanks to the extreme ups-and-downs of bipolar disorder. Very often, a debilitating episode of depression was closely followed by an overly-ambitious, highly optimistic period where I believed anything was possible and that there was nothing I couldn't do, no matter how badly I had failed at that particular thing in the past.
I probably don't need to say how exhausting and demoralizing this roller coaster life was for me, not to mention the people closest to me. I'm only beginning to realize what a toll this illness took on myself and my nearest and dearest.
Which is why I really can't adequately express how thankful I am that bipolar disorder no longer overshadows my life (you can read about that here).
My life over the past two and a half years has been vastly different in EVERY way. It's been absolutely wonderful, but I keep feeling that I need to get to know myself all over again, and that's still a little disorienting.
All that being said, I approach this dawn of a new year with mixed feelings and uncertain expectations.
This past year has been pretty wonderful. While there were certainly moments that were discouraging, disappointing and difficult, I feel I've made some good progress in 2019 along the path I feel called to pursue.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel in need of a new start, per se. I haven't fallen off any wagons, or strayed too far from the path, or experienced any major set-backs. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this is a really good thing!
However, with a New Year in front of me, it seems as good a time as any to do some dreaming and to set some goals for the year to come.
If you're new around here, you might not know that I make it a habit to choose one word for each year. It usually takes awhile to nail down, since I really want it to be a word that will inform all of my decisions and set the tone for the entire year. Joy, impossible, all, overcomer and thanks have been words I've selected in the past.
Great words, right? But I could never remember them! So they did me very little good. However, last year was different. I chose the word fearless, and posted it everywhere - on my alarm clock, my mirror, my closet, my computer, my phone... and I found it to be very helpful as I went about my days!
When I think about what I want this year to look like, several words come to mind. Present and intimacy were ones I considered - I've been hesitant to let my real self show to people in my current face-to-face life. It's relatively easy to write all this out and put it out there in cyberspace, but to have people I interact with regularly know the real me with all my faults and fears and failings is pretty scary. But, oh how I crave it - to be known (and maybe even loved), to be a participating member of a genuine community. But these words weren't as all-encompassing as I needed them to be.
So I finally settled on deeper. Richard Foster, a very wise man I respect so much, said that "the desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people." My heart's desire to go deeper -with God, in all my relationships, in how I love others, in worship, in self-discipline, in commitment, in celebration, in sorrow, in righteous anger, in passion, in faith, in knowledge, in wisdom, in peace, in generosity, in courage, in joy!
I've lived a very superficial life out of fear of rejection, failure, and pain. But I've had a taste of what the deeper life might be like in 2019, and I want more. I want to go there, in spite of the inevitable rejection, failure and pain. Is it a bit terrifying? You bet! However, I firmly believe that the joy will outweigh the pain. So I'm diving in!
What do you hope 2020 will look like for you? I'd love to hear if you have a word, or a resolution, or a goal, or a hope or a dream! Happy New Year, dear Friends! ❤
