Saturday nights have been hard nights for me for a long time - especially when I'm leading worship the next morning...tonight is no exception.
It's not like anything horrible happens, per se. It's just a general uneasiness, a sinking of the spirit - something that makes it easier to believe the lies that are constantly being whispered to my heart. On Saturday nights, I feel like hope has gone out of my world and that it's no wonder, considering who I am and what I've done and left undone. That I'm so utterly unworthy to be up in front of people, declaring what I believe, when I've been such a big fat failure at living it out.
I'm sure this is probably true for most people in ministry leadership, to some extent. Since Sunday's our big day, the enemy works extra hard the night before to render us useless, ineffective. And you know what really adds insult to injury? I often let him - I give in to those feelings, I allow the lies to have their say, I let the doubts fester and grow; which produces more guilt, adding even more fuel to the fire...you get the picture.
I was lying on my bed tonight, having just tucked in my boys, waiting for them to fall asleep (and to be nearby for the inevitable "Mom, can I have a drink?" "Mom, I'm hot!" "Mom, I'm not tired." "Mom, how far away is Heaven?" etc...) when the worry goblins started their weekly attack. Bombarded by memories, I started to reinterpret various moments in my past, assuming the worst in each situation and feeling my self-worth plummet (rotten sensation, but a great word...).
After a few minutes, I realized what I was doing. My first instinct was to get some positive feedback to boost my spirits a little, so I posted a couple of lines on facebook, hoping that some encouragement would come from somewhere. But then I realized that that wasn't the answer, either. I eventually wised up and went to the Source. And He reminded me of who I am and who He is - in His kind, gentle, tender, loving way...
So I wanted to document it. My battle, my defeat, His victory. So that when it happens next Saturday night, I'll be ready.