My Shot

It's been a long, long time since I sat before this screen, hitting little buttons with letters on them to try to make sense of my life. I've missed it. I've missed you, my wonderful, diverse, supportive, encouraging blog-readers. Blogging has been a powerful means of connection and healing in my life over the past ten years, and I would be foolish to abandon it. I forgot for a little while, but then I remembered. So, I'm back. 😊

It's late June of 2020 - the year of Covid 19. Like most of the world, I've spent the last three months at home, hoping to contribute to the universal effort to flatten the curve. In times like these, when our busyness and the outward endeavours that typically identify us are stripped away, we're generally left with nowhere to hide from our very real, very flawed selves.

I don't know about you, but I haven't handled it very well. Oh, I've done a few things of value: connected more deeply with my family, started writing a novel, planted a garden, brushed up on my French, wrote some poetry... But a lot of my days were very slumpy, characterized by fear, indecision, lethargy and indulgence.

A little back story... Most of you are aware of the weight loss journey I embarked upon almost three years ago. Thanks to the science of Keto, I was able to lose eighty pounds. I reached my lowest weight since my teens a little over a year ago. Oh, how we celebrated! You all were so kind and cheered me on at each milestone. I so appreciated every word of encouragement I received from every one of you - you blessed me tremendously ❤

You also may have noticed (or not 😉) that I haven't mentioned it lately. Well, here's the plain, painfully-honest truth: I've gained back fifty pounds over the past fifteen months. It took a year for twenty to creep back; then three quarantine-months to pack on thirty more.

So many of you commended me for my "hard work". I tried to tell you then, and I'll try again now - Keto wasn't hard for me, for two reasons. As long as I stuck to my Keto-friendly list of foods, I could have as much as I wanted. And the rapid, practically-effortless weight loss easily kept me on the Keto straight-and-narrow when faced with cheesecake or pizza or any other high-carb goodies.

It was near the beginning of that third Keto-year, when the numbers on the scale started to go in the wrong direction, that I figured Keto wasn't working for me any more and that I should try to reintegrate back to "normal" eating (whatever that is...). That's when I discovered Keto had done absolutely nothing for me in terms of my life-long dysfunctional relationship with food.

Coincidentally (or not), it was right around this time when my life became extremely uncertain. I had no idea what was going to happen next, plan and contrive as I might (and did). All of a sudden, everything was up in the air, and there was no way to predict how it would all shake out.

I had the power to make myself feel better - at least temporarily. I had been practicing it for years. Eating delicious food and reading a good book never failed to insulate me against my worries and fears. If I couldn't control my unruly circumstances, I'd escape and create my own safe haven. Books to take me to another place and food to numb the pain - that was my life. I always maintained an active outer life, but this was my secret sanctuary.

It wasn't any different when I was Keto-ing; I just ate Keto food. When the anxiety ramped up, I just ate more, leading to the gradual weight-gain. I had been off Keto for about a month when Covid hit; that's when my dysfunction shifted into high gear. I won't go into details, but maybe you can imagine what it might look like for someone (who is not pregnant) to gain twenty-five pounds in two months? It wasn't pretty, folks.

That's when I decided to go back to Keto, since I wasn't willing to give up the comfort that food provided. But my fail-safe plan didn't work, either, and I picked up another five pounds before I realized I had a real problem on my hands.

And so, here I am. Finally able to see that I've never surrendered this part of my life to the One who has the power to help. (It really hit me today that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit...) I want to fuel my body with healthy, delicious, nourishing food and enjoy an occasional treat. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions, eating ridiculous amounts of nutritionally-void junk in order to self-medicate. I feel like this is a good place to start.

This is what I want this part of my life (heck, all the parts of my life!) to look like:

"Self-discipline is a skill. It's the ability to focus and overcome distractions. 

It involves acting according to what you know is right instead of how you feel

in the moment (perhaps tired or lazy or uneasy). It typically requires sacrificing

immediate pleasure and excitement for what matters most in life." 

(Marc and Angel) 

I've been slowly acquiring a measure of self-discipline in some other parts of my life; this one is my Everest. It will require identifying negative behaviours and practices, as well as where they came from and why, and replacing them with healthy, life-giving ones. (Not to mention lots of self-love... working on that, too ❤)

I've tried many, many times over the years to "fix" this. I thought I had finally done so with Keto. But it was like getting a hair cut to cure a headache - it only addressed the symptoms of my dysfunction - not the source. When I realized I had failed after having so much apparent success, I felt for a time that I had missed my shot, that this was it. The thought sickened me.

But the more I think about it, I don't think we ever just get one shot. I think there's a Grace that catches us when we fall and offers a lifetime of shots, of mulligans, of do-overs. Today, I'm grateful for that.

The real Joy 😊