Part One
I just had a major revelation as I was sitting down to write this post - mind blown! So excited to share it with you!! I've always actively avoided situations and relationships in which there might be even the slightest possibility of any degree of accountability. My greatest fear was that I would end up disappointing those to whom I was to give account, thus diminishing my worth in their eyes, and hence, my own.
I wasn't actually aware of this, of course. All I knew was I preferred to work alone. Most everyone dreads group projects in school, but I feared them so much that I would generally lie my way out of them. I would fake sick, pretend I'd lost whatever it was I was supposed to be working on, or any other flavour of falsehood I could come up with. Because I was a good student and well-versed in the art of deception, I generally got away with it.
I tended to keep people at arm's length, too. I had lots of friends, but I wouldn't allow any of them to get too close. I invariably focused on everyone else's issues, but would very rarely reveal any of my own. (To be fair, I believed for most of my life that I didn't have any issues - ha! Double ha! It makes me shake my head and smile a little to remember how oblivious I was...)
I literally just figured out why I put so much effort into evading accountability. My estimation of my own worth was completely dependent upon what other people thought of me. If I let someone close enough to see the mess I knew I was, their view of me would plummet. By keeping my distance, I was able to craft my own little show in which I was the smart, talented, sweet, kind, helpful, caring star.
I put on a show because I knew the truth: I was a complete disaster, utterly incapable of consistency in anything. But that was the bi-polar disorder talking!! It was that brain chemistry imbalance that caused the extreme ups and downs, making it next to impossible for me to be everything I thought I needed to be. But I didn't know it!
Bipolar disorder is not an issue for me anymore (HALLELUJAH!). But those habits of isolation and fear and disguise have been seriously hard to shake. I've been making some progress towards more open and honest relationships, but it's very easy for me to slip back into my old ways when things start to get too hard or too real.
All of this to say... I'm looking for some people to hold me accountable for an idea I have - a dream, really. It's way over the top; approaching ridiculous. But I discovered some stats about ideas and accountability that were extremely interesting.
According to current research, if I simply have an idea, there's a ten percent chance it will happen.
If I make a decision to make it happen, the likelihood of success goes up to twenty-five percent. If I choose a date, the odds of actually following through jump to forty percent. If I plan exactly how I'll see my idea through, my idea has a fifty percent chance. If I have the courage to tell someone else about my idea, my success rate is sixty-five percent. Sounds good, right?
BUT, if I ask another person (or people) to hold me accountable for my action plan... and they do it? A NINETY-FIVE PERCENT CHANCE that my wild idea will become a reality.
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Wow, I'm a little surprised at how even thinking about writing down my dream is freaking me out. I think I need a little more time before I share it with you. If I haven't posted the second half in a day or two, please get on my case. (Let's see how accurate that accountability study really is 😖)
Thank you for grace, my friends. I appreciate you all more than I can say. ❤
