The Inevitable New Year's Post - 2020 Edition

Happy New Year, my dear Friends! Twenty twenty - woo hoo! Finally, a year that rolls easily off the tongue 😊  I wish for you all the very best year of your lives so far!

I love new beginnings. My soul thrills to each new morning as it makes its way over the horizon, replacing the dark with fresh, bright hope. (I am a self-professed #sunrisefanatic) A new day with no mistakes in it yet, as my beloved Anne would say.

My past life is liberally sprinkled with new beginnings, with fresh starts, with do-overs, mostly thanks to the extreme ups-and-downs of bipolar disorder. Very often, a debilitating episode of depression was closely followed by an overly-ambitious, highly optimistic period where I believed anything was possible and that there was nothing I couldn't do, no matter how badly I had failed at that particular thing in the past.

I probably don't need to say how exhausting and demoralizing this roller coaster life was for me, not to mention the people closest to me. I'm only beginning to realize what a toll this illness took on myself and my nearest and dearest.

Which is why I really can't adequately express how thankful I am that bipolar disorder no longer overshadows my life (you can read about that here).

My life over the past two and a half years has been vastly different in EVERY way. It's been absolutely wonderful, but I keep feeling that I need to get to know myself all over again, and that's still a little disorienting.

All that being said, I approach this dawn of a new year with mixed feelings and uncertain expectations.

This past year has been pretty wonderful. While there were certainly moments that were discouraging, disappointing and difficult, I feel I've made some good progress in 2019 along the path I feel called to pursue.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel in need of a new start, per se. I haven't fallen off any wagons, or strayed too far from the path, or experienced any major set-backs. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this is a really good thing!

However, with a New Year in front of me, it seems as good a time as any to do some dreaming and to set some goals for the year to come.

If you're new around here, you might not know that I make it a habit to choose one word for each year. It usually takes awhile to nail down, since I really want it to be a word that will inform all of my decisions and set the tone for the entire year. Joy, impossible, all, overcomer and thanks have been words I've selected in the past.

Great words, right? But I could never remember them! So they did me very little good. However, last year was different. I chose the word fearless, and posted it everywhere - on my alarm clock, my mirror, my closet, my computer, my phone... and I found it to be very helpful as I went about my days!

When I think about what I want this year to look like, several words come to mind. Present and intimacy were ones I considered - I've been hesitant to let my real self show to people in my current face-to-face life. It's relatively easy to write all this out and put it out there in cyberspace, but to have people I interact with regularly know the real me with all my faults and fears and failings is pretty scary. But, oh how I crave it - to be known (and maybe even loved), to be a participating member of a genuine community. But these words weren't as all-encompassing as I needed them to be.

So I finally settled on deeper. Richard Foster, a very wise man I respect so much, said that "the desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people."  My heart's desire to go deeper -with God, in all my relationships, in how I love others, in worship, in self-discipline, in commitment, in celebration, in sorrow, in righteous anger, in passion, in faith, in knowledge, in wisdom, in peace, in generosity, in courage, in joy!

I've lived a very superficial life out of fear of rejection, failure, and pain. But I've had a taste of what the deeper life might be like in 2019, and I want more. I want to go there, in spite of the inevitable rejection, failure and pain. Is it a bit terrifying? You bet! However, I firmly believe that the joy will outweigh the pain. So I'm diving in!

What do you hope 2020 will look like for you? I'd love to hear if you have a word, or a resolution, or a goal, or a hope or a dream! Happy New Year, dear Friends! ❤

Joy?

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2)

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I had almost forgotten about this verse. When things are smooth-sailing and happy-happy, it's easy to forget. Comfort and peace are lovely and desirable, but they don't drive me to God like trials do.

With the crashing down of my career dreams and subsequent financial strain, I find myself in painfully familiar territory. But as things are getting tighter and tighter, I'm experiencing the presence of God in a powerfully personal way. God's gone out of His way this week to show me what a gift this particular brand of trial is, and has been, in my life.

I've been short on joy (pun fully intended 😊) for a long time, and it was only when my situation became desperate that I rediscovered (the) real joy. As long as I believed, even subconsciously, that I could take care of my self and run my own life successfully, there was an underlying hint of dissatisfaction and discontent that shrouded everything in subtle shades of grey. As long as I felt the responsibility to solve my own problems and make my own decisions; while I insisted on holding the reins of my future; when I ceased depending on God for direction and inspiration and provision, my joy ebbed.

What a wonderful thing it is to have no other choice but to depend on Him to bring me through a particular situation! (Correction: I always have a choice; it's just that there are times when He makes the choice a really easy one 😊) The Message puts it like this, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colours."

I was dismayed and a little ashamed to witness my own reaction to recent rejection and redirection. My faith really floundered for awhile. All summer, anxiety and unease were my constant companions, along with the heavy burden of self-inflicted self-reliance. I'd been looking at the goodness of God through the lens of my circumstances, not the other way around.

But God loves me too much to let me flounder forever. He collected all my broken pieces and is putting me back together. He never forces me into anything, though - I love that about Him. He's been gently calling me to surrender to Him again - it's a decision I need to make over and over and over. Every time I take it all back on my own shoulders, God's kindness (eventually, because I'm pretty hard-headed) leads me back to repentance and surrender. One of the gracious gifts of this trial has been release from that heaviness. I'm so thankful!

Life is so much better, fuller, deeper, richer, sweeter with Him! That's where (the) real joy is - with Him! That's where I keep uncovering who I really am, where I'm encouraged and empowered to affirm my identity and value and purpose. He's reminded me that I've already been set free to rejoice, to mourn, to connect, to create, to work, to rest, to dream, to delight - to live.

#grateful ❤

Here We Go Again

When I was prompted to start this blog (almost nine years ago?!), it was because I'd had a major revelation about my life and why I was practicing harmful, destructive, compulsive behaviours. I was unknowingly trying to kill myself with food because I hated myself.

That initial blog post (you can check it out here if you've joined me more recently) was the first brave, terrifying step down a path of self-discovery, self-disclosure, healing and growth. I'm so grateful for the journey.

One reason I'm particularly grateful is that I'm able to identify more readily now when something's not quite right in my life. Blogging has a proven track record of providing me with a bit of clarity - quite often, I don't know how I feel about something until I write it out.

The past few months have been rough - unsettled. Uncertain. Ever since last March, when the possibility arose that my dream job might become available. I quit my (not-dream) job at the end of June so that I'd be available should the opportunity arise to pursue this dream. I did everything I could to be ready - I prayed, I studied, I read, I researched, I connected, I engaged... I wanted it so much; I felt so sure that everything in my life had been preparing me for this; it was exactly the right time and place; it would solve so many problems; it would be satisfying, meaningful work that I was made to do...

On the one hand, I knew I had what was required to do this job well; on the other hand, I knew it was a long shot, that there was a high probability, based on my resume and qualifications, that I wouldn't be considered. But I believed in my heart that this was it.

Long story short, it wasn't. I received a very kind message that they had decided not to pursue my application. I thought I was sufficiently prepared for a "no", but no. I was devastated. Heartbroken. I felt rejected, worthless, invalidated. I felt as though the rug had been pulled out from under me.

For months, I had been dreaming of what this new life would look like. How I would deal with the challenges. How I would help bring improvements and growth. I hadn't seriously considered any other scenario. I was left floundering.

It's been a couple of weeks since I received the news. I went through a real crisis of faith, wondering if I'd ever really heard from God at all or had I just been mistaking my will for His all this time. My relationship with food relapsed into something that looked much more like an addiction again. (I gained back ten pounds by eating for comfort in the uncertain months between March and August; five more in the last few weeks).

The cause of those most recent five pounds was not only emotional/comfort eating, however. I'd begun to self-sabotage again; I was eating to hurt myself. I was sabotaging myself in other ways, too - setting myself up for failure in my home business, isolating myself from my family and friends...

But thanks to this blog (and a highly insightful lesson at CR the other night), I was able to recognize the patterns before they spiraled completely out of control. I was able to look back at my past for clues about my current behaviour, and to recall that I self-sabotaged because of self-hatred and shame...

...which caused me to examine my current situation for shame and its roots. And what I discovered has been immensely useful in unraveling my current mess: now, like in the past, my shame was rooted in my perceived identity. I hadn't realized I'd banked so much of my worth on this job. Digging a little deeper, I uncovered the real roots - my identity is firmly tied to my ability/inability to make money. For so many years, I was unable to keep a job due to my mental illness. My inability to consistently contribute to our family's financial stability constantly ate away at my self-worth.

And then I was healed from bipolar disorder (see this post for all the wonderfulness!) and could finally work! There were many other issues that needed to be dealt with over those past couple of years, but finances were no longer a heavy burden - and it was wonderful!!!

Then I quit my steady-income, not-dream job to work from home, and all of a sudden, financial worries were haunting us again. I guess it's no wonder I reverted to my previous self-harm practices - it triggered the same shameful feelings and misguided beliefs in me.

Phew... I get it now! I still don't know what to do with my life now, and I still hesitate to believe that I'm hearing from God at all, but now I know what I need to do. I thought I had settled my identity issues once and for all, but it looks like I get to go deeper and uproot these false ideas. Oh goody 😊

I really am grateful. I have a choice - I don't have to continue these patterns. I don't have to be a slave to my feelings and fears. I can step into the light that God is shining on my issues and work with him to make changes, both in my thoughts and my actions. I am not alone ❤

Surprised by Sorrow

Fascinating.

This is the word that best describes how I feel about how I've been feeling these last forty-eight hours or so. Huh.

The day before yesterday was my last day of a job I've been eagerly anticipating putting behind me for many months now. I expected to feel ecstatic, joyful, delighted, free... But I did not.

I've been a full-time, fifty-hours-a-week nanny for two little boys for the past sixteen months. When I started job hunting, I needed full-time employment desperately. Our financial situation was looking more and more grim. I applied to a wide variety of jobs, to no avail. My very last resort was childcare, something I swore I'd never do. (Incidentally, it's never a good idea to say never 😊)

I found a family who were equally desperate - their previous nanny had quit with very little warning. So we entered into partnership.

I would never say it was a bad job. Challenging, yes. Exhausting, definitely. A really charming, kind, thoughtful family to work for. But it was NOT how I wanted to be spending my time.

Time - that was the issue. I no longer had any extra time to spend doing things that mattered to me; I hardly had time to do necessary things, like cook and clean and connect with my own family. (I might argue that those "extras" were also necessities; I could feel my soul shriveling as I continually neglected feeding it.)

So I decided to take a leap. I had asked God for a job, and He gave me one. I was grateful. But it was getting harder and harder to walk in the door every day with a positive attitude. I tried to convince myself that what I was doing had value (and it did), but I came to see it as a stepping stone, a period of refining and growth and learning and testing.

I asked God to release me from it. Repeatedly. And finally, after months of asking and waiting, He did. I was ecstatic, joyful, delighted... right up until the night before my last day.

Looking back, it's baffling to see how I missed realizing it would be so hard to say good-bye. It never occurred to me that there would be a hole left from removing such a significant, time-and-energy-consuming element from my life.

I'm on day two of what I referred to as "freedom". There have been moments in the past two days where I have felt and relished it - watching the sunrise as I did some early-morning gardening, taking a long walk with no stroller to push or questions to answer, making breakfast for my own kids... But there have been poignant moments of emptiness, sorrow even.

I had asked God ad nauseam to give me His love for this family. Why am I so surprised now to discover that He in fact did? ❤

I think there's another element to my uneasiness, too. As painstakingly planned, I am now fully dependent on my own devices to produce enough income to sustain us. And that is freaking me out - another sensation I didn't expect.

I'm now pursuing employment I'm passionate about - educating about the dangers of household chemicals and offering a better way; providing guidance and direction on the path to healing and wholeness. These two entrepreneurial enterprises make me excited to get up in the morning; but the fact that I have to depend on myself for motivation and discipline and consistency and effort is daunting, to say the least.

So instead of the unfettered joy I thought I'd be experiencing today, it's a mixed bag. And instead of continuing to be frustrated with myself for not meeting my (kind of ridiculous) expectations, I will apply grace.

(Grace in sunrise form 😊)

New Wine

It's MARCH!!!!  Can I get a hallelujah?! Even though in most of Canada we're still under ridiculous amounts of ice and snow, in some parts of the world Spring is already springing - and it makes me so happy! I can hardly wait to see the crocuses I planted last Fall peek up through the white stuff - it won't be long now! No matter how much more snow we get in the next few weeks (and we'll likely get quite a bit - fat, fluffy flakes are falling as I type 😒), Spring will still come ❤

While I've traditionally been more of a Fall gal, the month of March and the approach of Spring has come to be very significant in my life. Two Marches ago, I experienced a miraculous healing, which radically changed every aspect of my life. (Just in case you missed it, you can read about that awesomeness here.) Still celebrating that indescribable gift!! And last March, I started the first full-time job I've ever been able to keep - both my husband and my bank account are still celebrating that one 😊 

Lover of beauty that I am, I have always delighted in all the signs of new life that accompany the approach of Spring. And now I feel like I'm participating in that glorious resurrection dance - my life has been made new in so many ways. And continues to be! I'm ecstatic to report that this March is no exception...

...but first, a little Lenten interlude... 

Lent begins this coming Wednesday. It's been my habit for several years to choose a prayer to pray every day during this season, usually with a fasting/breaking/new life theme, to prepare my heart for the soul-feast of Easter. This has been a very spiritually enriching practice for me. Each prayer has crossed my path randomly, or so it seemed at the time. I've never really sought them out, but I always recognized them as significant upon first reading/hearing. 

About a month ago, I had the privilege of visiting a much-loved church I used to attend. I was graciously allowed to sing with the worship team, which never fails to thrill my soul. One of the new songs we sang struck me instantly as "the one" for this year's Lenten journey. It's called New Wine. (You can listen to it here.) 

In the crushing, in the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil, I now surrender
You are breaking new ground

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don't need to understand

Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me

'Cause where there is new wine
There is new power
There is new freedom
And the kingdom is here
I lay down my old flames
To carry Your new fire today 

So make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
God, I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me

I've already been meditating on these words and images, and am so looking forward to what God will reveal as I delve deeper into their meaning and significance for my journey. The "crushing" and "pressing" strike me particularly; there's been a lot of that in my life lately. Not that I know much about it, but the process of wine-making is a pretty violent one - for the grape! Crushing and pressing are not gentle actions - they imply pressure and changing of shape and squeezing out; but all for the purpose of making something new.

So that's what March feels like for me this year. I'm taking steps toward what I believe God has called and equipped me to do; I'll be listening for God's voice so that I don't run ahead or lag behind. It's an exciting and scary and tension-filled place to be - living in between the now and the not-yet. But as I learn to love the questions and embrace the stretching, I believe I'll find abundant grace and joy here.  

The Inevitable New Year's Post - 2019 Edition (only a month late!)

Happy New Year! I know, I know, I'm a little late... but better late than never, I hope 😊 

Those of you who've been journeying with me for awhile may remember that I have always chosen a meaningful word to define the year to come - with varying degrees of success. My memory is the guilty party in this instance; when I started looking back over the years, I couldn't even remember last year's word, let alone from years gone by! This is why I write things down.

As I reviewed my previous posts, it was fascinating to discover the words I'd chosen and recall the highs and lows of each particular year. Starting from last year and going back, my last five words have been joy, impossible, all, overcomer and thanks. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that so far, this practice has yielded very little fruit. So why continue?

Well, I guess I'm a hopeful person by nature. I keep trying in the hopes that things will be different this year. But you know the definition of insanity, right? Well, instead of doing the same thing and anticipating different results, I'm going to try something new. A little thing, really, but I'm believing that it will make all the difference. I'm writing it down. But not just in this one blog post where I'll never see it again until next year. It's on my alarm clock, in my closet, on my mirror, on my whiteboard, on my computer, on my phone...

Because I really want to remember it this year. Already, this word has helped bring about some major breakthroughs in 2019. A little backstory...

For the past two and a half years, I've been dealing with some trauma from past abuse. Abuse that happened around twenty two years ago, but that I was only recently able to recognize and name. This has caused my marriage to suffer. I had no idea how to move past the trauma. I had prayed, written, seen a counsellor, started attending Celebrate Recovery... it seemed as though nothing was making a difference.

Fast-forward to mid-January. I had made arrangements to attend a discipleship conference in Calgary. I was really looking forward to seeing so many people I love and going deeper with God, while at the same time hoping that I could just leave this issue at home and not have to deal with it there.

I really should have known better 😊 Through a series of very fortunate events (for lack of a better word), I was finally enabled to let go of the fear that was holding me back and embrace all the good God has for me going forward.

It was only after I'd been back home for a few days and had some time to process everything that had happened that my word of the year occurred to me. Fearless. I can't wait to see what a difference it makes in my year!

And so, a very happy New Year, dear Friends - may it be your best year yet, full of peace and grace and hope and joy! May it also be a year of no fear ❤

44

Wow. Another birthday blog post - really? This year has actually zoomed by; can't believe January tenth has rolled around yet again! I wasn't sure this post would ever get written, but thanks to a series of fortunate and unfortunate events, I'm actually home in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, and have a few hours to sit at the computer. (Kids are sick, hubby's in meetings, work kids' grandparents are in town... )

I miss blogging - I didn't even get to write any advent reflections or my "inevitable new year's post". (not so inevitable, I guess 😏 ) So I'm grateful for the opportunity to pound out a few thoughts about the year that's gone and the one that's yet to come.

Ironically, I don't feel I have a lot to say. Funny how working full-time at the mercy of an employer (even a great one) leaves so little time for the contemplative life I would love to lead. One thing I've learned this year, though, is how to embrace my current reality while working towards my ideal one. I started my nannying job in February of last year; a desperate last resort so that bills could be paid every month, there would be food on the table for every meal and gas in the vehicles when we needed to drive them.

I'm happy to report that those goals are consistently being met - and then some. And it's not so bad. I have two little people who adore me (one who just started calling me Oy the other day ❤), my home family and work family who depend on me and appreciate me, and a weekly pay cheque that helps meets all of our needs and a few of our wants, too.

It's been tough on my inner life, however. Being out of the house and fully occupied for ten hours a day, five days a week leaves precious few waking hours for other pursuits. But I have come to see how very precious they are, and am learning to treat them as such. Several of those hours are already being dedicated to new clients in my fledgling counselling practice (which I hope to significantly expand starting in July when I say good-bye to nanny life). Others are spent in completing course readings and other requirements. I'm even leading worship somewhat regularly - my favourite and most life-giving use of this fleeting discretionary time.

I guess what I'm saying is that my life is full. And good! (And did I mention I lost seventy-five pounds this past year? Maybe once or twice 😉) I can say with all sincerity that forty-three has been, hands down, my very best year yet. And purely by the grace of God, I have every reason to believe that forty-four can be even better. Bring it on!

This is what (almost) forty-four looks like on me - I'll take it 😊

#thankful