Ugh, this journey sure is frustrating at times! Grrrr... When will I ever get it? When will I be able to remember and apply the truths I'm learning about who I am? It's been a rough few days, of the "rock-bottom" variety... I get into such an irritating cycle (I hope it isn't as irritating to read as to be in!) which goes something like this: I mess up in some way, taking a step (or 10) backwards instead of ahead, something that's totally counter-productive to my goals. Then I get angry and punish myself by forbidding self-forgiveness and forcing myself to be gloomy and depressed. And then, instead of getting back up on my horse and trying again, I do even more of the same, the same self-destructive stuff I was punishing myself for in the first place! Arghhhh! Sometimes it's a couple of days, sometimes a couple of weeks before I decide yet again to surrender to my Father's love and forgiveness, to try and see myself as He does. I love the beginning of the third chapter of First John: "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" And what right do I have to condemn and punish one of God's children, even if it's me?! None whatsoever! Say it with me, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!" (Rom. 8:1)
I understand that this road will not always be smooth, will occasionally be scattered with leftover Halloween candy and scoops of ice cream. I accept that there will be setbacks, relapses into my old patterns of thinking. But I don't have to like it! But I do have to like me. It's so difficult to separate the behaviours from the person, whether it's myself or someone else. But I find I have a lot more grace for other people's mistakes than my own... May God grant me (and you!) the eyes to see myself as He sees, the grace to forgive myself as He forgives, the heart to love myself as He loves. May you know real joy today!
"But I find I have a lot more grace for other people's mistakes than my own..."
ReplyDeleteWow! Way to hit the nail on the head, Joy! That is exactly how I feel. I am hard on myself, but I give everyone around me LOTS of grace and acceptance.
Thanks for these entries, Joy. It is comforting to know that I am not alone.
I'm late in getting to your blog, but here's a thought to ponder. You say "I mess up in some way" and "I accept that there will be setbacks". Do you know that those very words are a condemnation of your humanity? You don't mess up - you disappoint yourself. There are not set backs - there is the typical path of a human life, a trail of peaks and valleys. It is good to have goals and guidelines by which you want to live - all very motivating. But by assuming that you have goofed up by straying from these goals and guidelines is putting you in the chair of the judge of your life. And you're not Him!! When our steps don't go where we expect them to go or hope they will go or plan for them to go, you are still in the Hands of the Provider, He does not see goof ups - He sees His precious child who is beating her self up for being human - the very thing He made you to be. Think of the insight you gained from this particular 'mess up', and your ability to clearly describe it. Now THAT is progress!
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