The Inevitable New Year's Post - 2021 Edition

 Happy New Year to you, my dear Friends! I wish you all the best year of your lives!

I just re-read my New Year's post from last year. It was so hopeful, so optimistic, so free from any inkling of what was to come. How strange it feels to stand on the cusp of 2021, looking back on what was for most a very challenging year, and looking ahead to the uncertainties that loom out there in the great unknown. 

I hesitate to admit this, but in many ways 2020 has been my favourite year yet. No joke. I was going to make a list of the good and the bad, but I could only think of one thing* for the "bad" category. It's kind of a big one, and I'll be dealing with the repercussions of it for years to come, but if that's the only negative thing that happened to me this past year, I'll take it. (*I gained back quite a bit of the weight I'd lost during the previous two years. This really sucks, but at least the process was very enjoyable [hello carbs!] AND I know I can do something about it.)

In the interest of sensitivity, I'm not going to gush any more about my great year. I want to acknowledge and respect the many who had a horrible year for a variety of terrible reasons. If your 2020 was filled with loss and despair and fear and pain, please know that I see you and I care. I'm so sorry you had to endure such hardship. It's not fair, and you didn't deserve it. 

2021 will not magically change anything for anyone. Our issues won't instantly disappear as the calendar page turns. Anyone who thinks so, who dares to admit to making New Year's resolutions these days, is promptly christened a naive, foolish idealist. 

I see where these sensible, self-aware realists are coming from, but I don't think anyone can deny the power of new beginnings, of fresh starts. We're wired to respond to this notion of a tabula rasa. Whether overt or implied, natural or contrived, we all crave a blank slate. 

I feel like 2020 was a recalibrating kind of year for me. My unique combination of circumstances worked together to reposition me closer to what I want my life to look like. I learned a lot about myself this year. Some things I thought I wanted and worked best for me turned out to be the very things that absolutely did not, that would prove to work against me as I sought to reach my goals. 

For example, I thought I wanted a life in which I worked one hundred percent from home. I had determined in the previous couple of years that a full-time job outside the home was not my ideal life. However, it turns out that being home 24/7 isn't very good for me, either. I don't use my time wisely, I have a really hard time getting motivated and staying focused, AND I eat. A lot. (Self-discipline - or more accurately, the lack thereof - has always been my thorn-in-the-flesh)

So, instead of working one full-time job outside the home, I'm now dividing my time and talents into three part-time N-deavours: Norwex, Nannying, and Novel-writing. (😊) It seems to be a really great fit so far. These ventures align with my values, gifts, priorities and passions, as well as providing the flexibility I've always wanted so I can serve in various capacities and be available to my family. PLUS it gets me out of the house for a few hours most days, helping lighten someone else's load.  I'm loving it! 

That is, I'm loving it sometimes. All too often, feelings of fear and doubt and guilt come creeping in, standing between me and the joy and peace and contentment I long to experience. 

Somewhere along the way, pretty early on in my life, the following equation embedded itself into the fabric of my being as the ultimate truth: sacrifice + suffering = service. In other words, the only way my life could be pleasing to God was if I was sacrificing and suffering. 

And much of my life has lined up with that equation. Mental and physical illness, financial struggles and relationship issues are just a few things that have been constants over the years. Now that they're gone, it just doesn't feel right. I'm second-guessing myself and my choices, wondering if I completely missed the mark. 

I definitely don't have the answer to this particular conundrum; maybe I never will. But a Facebook friend posted something the other day that helped move me closer to resolution in my heart: "God's invitation isn't ONLY into sacrifice. It's also an invitation into deep, profound joy. We are sons and daughters, not employees. His first thought about me isn't how to use me." ❤ #TruthBomb 

My word for 2021 is LOVE. It took a long time to decide this time around; there are so many areas where I desire change and growth. But what I want most of all is to get to the place where I can be vulnerable and trusting and open enough to receive all the love God wants to lavish on me, and then to allow that love to overflow into every aspect of my life, into every interaction and relationship, every task and responsibility, every decision and possibility.

What's your word for 2021?

  

Status, Security, Success (or not)

 I recently had the privilege of connecting with a significant influence from my past. That's one thing I really love about social media - I'm able to stay in contact with so many people from so many different parts of my life. I certainly would not be doing so if it took much more effort than scrolling through a news feed - it's sad but true. While many would argue that virtual relationships are feigned and shallow, I would beg to differ. I've found my online community to be a life line in times of trouble, an encouragement in times of challenge and all-around inspiring and delightful. 

This particular friend from long ago made a comment in passing that stood out to me like a neon sign. She said something about knowing all those years ago that'd I'd be successful in anything I chose to do. It caused me to reflect on those days of long, long ago. 

Way back then, it did appear that I would do well, based on my academic performance, at least. I was really good at school; I had figured out at an early age what the system required, and that's what I did. Not because I felt pressured by parents or teachers, not because I was ambitious or overly intelligent, not because I wanted to compete with my fellow classmates... It was my addiction to approval that drove me to excel at school. My goal in life was to please people - I craved affirmation like some people crave chocolate. (I crave that, too, but that's a whole 'nother story) It was a happy accident that my learning style happened to coincide with most schools' teaching style - I learned best by hearing, reading and writing. 

(I have to stop here and make a confession: I didn't actually learn much in school. I always said I had a short-term photographic memory - I listened in class, wrote out notes, memorized them for the test, then promptly forgot whatever it was I had regurgitated onto the test paper. Which translated into top grades, lots of praise and next to zero real, lasting knowledge.)

This is significant and I need to ponder it more; but this isn't what I came here to write about tonight. It was the notion of success I wanted to explore. The more I considered the above comment, the more I realized that I am the complete opposite of successful in so many important ways. 

I don't have a career. I didn't pursue my education - I have no master's or doctorate degree. So many of my peers are doing so well these days; and I'm thrilled for them! But when I compare my professional life to theirs, I lose every time. I had a very different vision of what I thought my life should be like at this point (middle age - eek!). 

However... it took me awhile to see this, but I would have to say that I'm becoming more and more successful in what really counts. It's taken many years and many tears, but I'm finally at the point where I'm giving myself permission to build a life I love. I'm beginning to see that physical and mental health, a strong marriage, kind and caring kids, deep connections, fruitful ministry, a job that makes a difference in the world and ongoing personal growth and development are what define success for me.

I still wrestle with the idea that financial security and vocational advancements are the only legitimate brands of success; that notion has been seared on my brain since I can remember. I have felt so much shame over the years for the unforeseen twists and turns my path has taken, away from the status and security I longed for.  

I'm grateful to report that I'm finding healing from those feelings of failure, disappointment, inadequacy and guilt. I'm looking at my life with fresh eyes and daring to admit that I like what I see. 

I want to live an unrushed life; small, slow and significant. I want a life with plenty of margin - white spaces where the unexpected can be pursued. I want time to ponder and study and walk and take pictures and read and write and connect deeply with people. I want to live simply so that I can give generously of my time, talents and resources. I want to value people over projects, calm over chaos, peace over performance. 

It wasn't too long ago that I felt horribly guilty over this wish list. But I am learning the secret of being content. For me, it lies in killing the habit of comparison and finding beauty in simplicity. Above all, it means accepting myself just as I am, even delighting in who I was created to be - assets and faults, skills and shortcomings, abilities and limitations, strengths and weaknesses. The real Joy ❤

Accountability is Awesome (and why I've always avoided it) Part Two

Part Two (You can read part one here)

Thank you so much to those who reached out and admitted to a similar aversion to accountability - it's such a comfort to know I'm not alone in this. One friend observed how the isolation of the pandemic hadn't bothered them much; less interaction meant less expectations and responsibilities. (ie. accountability!) I can totally relate! What a relief it's been to be "stuck" at home 😏

However, now that I'm armed with the knowledge that accountability is THE success factor, I feel a responsibility to my idea (and the people it will potentially help) to seek out those who will both cheer me on and not let me off the hook when things get challenging. 

The one question I've been continually dwelling on for the duration of the pandemic has been, "What do I want my life to look like?" The question seemed to pop up everywhere I looked. It was something I'd never dared to really examine before. My people-pleasing, codependent, approval-addicted self was usually most concerned with what other people wanted my life to look like. 

I've experienced a lot of healing in the past few years, for which I'm extremely grateful. As I continue this journey of self-discovery, I find I'm finally at a place where I can (mostly) fearlessly declare what constitutes a beautiful life for me.  

In a word, I want peace. And love. And time. And space. And options. And freedom. 

I want time for quiet, study, reflection, contemplation, walking, reading, writing, making music. I want to love, to serve, to make a difference. I want to leave this world a little better than I found it. I want to make a peaceful, joyful, life-giving home for my family and friends. I want to give generously and gladly of my time, my talents and my treasure.

After much careful prayer, thought, discerning and discussion, I'm ready to take a step in the direction of my dreams. 

I've been an educator with a company called Norwex for the last five years, on a very casual, on-and-off basis. In a nutshell: Norwex is a direct sales company whose mission is to improve quality of life by reducing harmful chemicals in our homes, creating safe and effective cleaning and self-care products. ( Here's a short "Why Norwex" video if you're curious 😊) 

I joined as a desperate mother of young kids with undiagnosed bipolar disorder who couldn't keep a job but badly needed to produce some income. In addition to a solid mission and great products, the Norwex opportunity attracted me because I could be home with my boys and work around my other responsibilities. I found I was really good at some parts of the business, but really awful at others. I would do quite well for a bit, doing parties and making some money, but I ran screaming from the idea of following up with my customers, lest I annoy them and have them think poorly of me. (That's the people-pleasing, codependent, approval addiction part...) Then business would die down and I'd give up. Until the next time I was in a tight spot. And the cycle would repeat. 

I knew my motives were not pure. Sure, I wanted to help people, but it was mostly about the flexibility and the money. That's why I couldn't succeed long-term - my priorities were off. I was selfish and inconsistent. (And sick and tired and stressed and worried and fearful...)

I'm seeing things so differently now. I want to use this business to make a difference in the world. A real difference. I want it to start with love. I want everything I do to be done in love. I want love to overflow - love for God, for people, for creation, for myself. 

I believe in this mission. To provide people with options to take better care of their health and the health of the planet, and to do so through authentic relationships rather than pushy, impersonal sales, lines up with my core values. I really do believe that every home needs Norwex. I want to be a part of making that happen to help improve people's quality of life.

But there's more. I want to get these life-changing, health-saving, eco-conscious products into the hands of people who can't afford them. I plan to donate packages with our top five products to low-income families for every $3000 in sales, and seek to open a door to ongoing  relationship and support.

I attended Norwex's National Conference last weekend (online, of course). And I'm so glad I did! I heard story after inspirational story of how the Norwex business opportunity had changed countless lives. I caught a vision of how coming alongside women in difficult circumstances, mentoring them, supporting them and helping them succeed could turn everything around and give them a fighting chance to live the life they dream of. It thrills my soul to think of helping to change someone's life!

I was looking so hard for the answer to the life of my dreams, when it was right in front of me this whole time. I'm so excited to begin, but there's this relentless, piercing little voice that keeps whispering to my heart, "What if you haven't changed enough? What if you haven't got what it takes? What if this isn't what you're supposed to do next? What if people challenge you? What if you let your customers down? Or your team? Or your family? What if you can't do it? What if you fail again?" 

Friends, that's where you come in. I need people in my corner to encourage and to hold me accountable as I seek to accomplish my goals. I will be reaching out to some individuals in the next few days to find accountability partners to join me on this journey, but if you feel so led, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. We are so much better together! 

Thanks for hearing me out. The mere act of writing down my idea, knowing that you would read it, has both terrified and energized me. I once heard someone say that if your goals don't scare you a little, they're not big enough. I think we're there. 

Accountability is Awesome (and why I've always avoided it)

Part One

I just had a major revelation as I was sitting down to write this post - mind blown! So excited to share it with you!!

 I've always actively avoided situations and relationships in which there might be even the slightest possibility of any degree of accountability. My greatest fear was that I would end up disappointing those to whom I was to give account, thus diminishing my worth in their eyes, and hence, my own. 

I wasn't actually aware of this, of course. All I knew was I preferred to work alone. Most everyone dreads group projects in school, but I feared them so much that I would generally lie my way out of them. I would fake sick, pretend I'd lost whatever it was I was supposed to be working on, or any other flavour of falsehood I could come up with. Because I was a good student and well-versed in the art of deception, I generally got away with it. 

I tended to keep people at arm's length, too. I had lots of friends, but I wouldn't allow any of them to get too close. I invariably focused on everyone else's issues, but would very rarely reveal any of my own. (To be fair, I believed for most of my life that I didn't have any issues - ha! Double ha! It makes me shake my head and smile a little to remember how oblivious I was...) 

I literally just figured out why I put so much effort into evading accountability. My estimation of my own worth was completely dependent upon what other people thought of me. If I let someone close enough to see the mess I knew I was, their view of me would plummet. By keeping my distance, I was able to craft my own little show in which I was the smart, talented, sweet, kind, helpful, caring star. 

I put on a show because I knew the truth: I was a complete disaster, utterly incapable of consistency in anything. But that was the bi-polar disorder talking!! It was that brain chemistry imbalance that caused the extreme ups and downs, making it next to impossible for me to be everything I thought I needed to be. But I didn't know it! 

Bipolar disorder is not an issue for me anymore (HALLELUJAH!). But those habits of isolation and fear and disguise have been seriously hard to shake. I've been making some progress towards more open and honest relationships, but it's very easy for me to slip back into my old ways when things start to get too hard or too real.  

All of this to say... I'm looking for some people to hold me accountable for an idea I have - a dream, really. It's way over the top; approaching ridiculous. But I discovered some stats about ideas and accountability that were extremely interesting.

According to current research, if I simply have an idea, there's a ten percent chance it will happen.

If I make a decision to make it happen, the likelihood of success goes up to twenty-five percent. If I choose a date, the odds of actually following through jump to forty percent. If I plan exactly how I'll see my idea through, my idea has a fifty percent chance.  If I have the courage to tell someone else about my idea, my success rate is sixty-five percent. Sounds good, right?

BUT, if I ask another person (or people) to hold me accountable for my action plan...  and they do it? A NINETY-FIVE PERCENT CHANCE that my wild idea will become a reality.  

-------------------------------

Wow, I'm a little surprised at how even thinking about writing down my dream is freaking me out. I think I need a little more time before I share it with you. If I haven't posted the second half in a day or two, please get on my case. (Let's see how accurate that accountability study really is 😖)

Thank you for grace, my friends. I appreciate you all more than I can say. ❤

My Shot

It's been a long, long time since I sat before this screen, hitting little buttons with letters on them to try to make sense of my life. I've missed it. I've missed you, my wonderful, diverse, supportive, encouraging blog-readers. Blogging has been a powerful means of connection and healing in my life over the past ten years, and I would be foolish to abandon it. I forgot for a little while, but then I remembered. So, I'm back. 😊

It's late June of 2020 - the year of Covid 19. Like most of the world, I've spent the last three months at home, hoping to contribute to the universal effort to flatten the curve. In times like these, when our busyness and the outward endeavours that typically identify us are stripped away, we're generally left with nowhere to hide from our very real, very flawed selves.

I don't know about you, but I haven't handled it very well. Oh, I've done a few things of value: connected more deeply with my family, started writing a novel, planted a garden, brushed up on my French, wrote some poetry... But a lot of my days were very slumpy, characterized by fear, indecision, lethargy and indulgence.

A little back story... Most of you are aware of the weight loss journey I embarked upon almost three years ago. Thanks to the science of Keto, I was able to lose eighty pounds. I reached my lowest weight since my teens a little over a year ago. Oh, how we celebrated! You all were so kind and cheered me on at each milestone. I so appreciated every word of encouragement I received from every one of you - you blessed me tremendously ❤

You also may have noticed (or not 😉) that I haven't mentioned it lately. Well, here's the plain, painfully-honest truth: I've gained back fifty pounds over the past fifteen months. It took a year for twenty to creep back; then three quarantine-months to pack on thirty more.

So many of you commended me for my "hard work". I tried to tell you then, and I'll try again now - Keto wasn't hard for me, for two reasons. As long as I stuck to my Keto-friendly list of foods, I could have as much as I wanted. And the rapid, practically-effortless weight loss easily kept me on the Keto straight-and-narrow when faced with cheesecake or pizza or any other high-carb goodies.

It was near the beginning of that third Keto-year, when the numbers on the scale started to go in the wrong direction, that I figured Keto wasn't working for me any more and that I should try to reintegrate back to "normal" eating (whatever that is...). That's when I discovered Keto had done absolutely nothing for me in terms of my life-long dysfunctional relationship with food.

Coincidentally (or not), it was right around this time when my life became extremely uncertain. I had no idea what was going to happen next, plan and contrive as I might (and did). All of a sudden, everything was up in the air, and there was no way to predict how it would all shake out.

I had the power to make myself feel better - at least temporarily. I had been practicing it for years. Eating delicious food and reading a good book never failed to insulate me against my worries and fears. If I couldn't control my unruly circumstances, I'd escape and create my own safe haven. Books to take me to another place and food to numb the pain - that was my life. I always maintained an active outer life, but this was my secret sanctuary.

It wasn't any different when I was Keto-ing; I just ate Keto food. When the anxiety ramped up, I just ate more, leading to the gradual weight-gain. I had been off Keto for about a month when Covid hit; that's when my dysfunction shifted into high gear. I won't go into details, but maybe you can imagine what it might look like for someone (who is not pregnant) to gain twenty-five pounds in two months? It wasn't pretty, folks.

That's when I decided to go back to Keto, since I wasn't willing to give up the comfort that food provided. But my fail-safe plan didn't work, either, and I picked up another five pounds before I realized I had a real problem on my hands.

And so, here I am. Finally able to see that I've never surrendered this part of my life to the One who has the power to help. (It really hit me today that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit...) I want to fuel my body with healthy, delicious, nourishing food and enjoy an occasional treat. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions, eating ridiculous amounts of nutritionally-void junk in order to self-medicate. I feel like this is a good place to start.

This is what I want this part of my life (heck, all the parts of my life!) to look like:

"Self-discipline is a skill. It's the ability to focus and overcome distractions. 

It involves acting according to what you know is right instead of how you feel

in the moment (perhaps tired or lazy or uneasy). It typically requires sacrificing

immediate pleasure and excitement for what matters most in life." 

(Marc and Angel) 

I've been slowly acquiring a measure of self-discipline in some other parts of my life; this one is my Everest. It will require identifying negative behaviours and practices, as well as where they came from and why, and replacing them with healthy, life-giving ones. (Not to mention lots of self-love... working on that, too ❤)

I've tried many, many times over the years to "fix" this. I thought I had finally done so with Keto. But it was like getting a hair cut to cure a headache - it only addressed the symptoms of my dysfunction - not the source. When I realized I had failed after having so much apparent success, I felt for a time that I had missed my shot, that this was it. The thought sickened me.

But the more I think about it, I don't think we ever just get one shot. I think there's a Grace that catches us when we fall and offers a lifetime of shots, of mulligans, of do-overs. Today, I'm grateful for that.

The real Joy 😊

45

I love writing this yearly post for several reasons, but mostly because I don't have to agonize over a clever title 😏

This is my seventh year of writing a birthday post. Maybe it's just because my birthday is so close to New Year's, but I find as January 10th approaches, I'm in even more of a mood for pondering the past and wondering about what's to come . Birthdays are a good chance to stop and reflect.

Forty-four was a good year; a great year, really. Funny, I can't recall anything astounding or monumental that happened... Well, I did reach the eighty pound mark in my weigh loss journey, and I did cross off a bucket-list item - a family beach vacation in a PEI cottage... okay, a couple of awesome things happened this past year 😊

One major event of the year that seemed awful at the time (but turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me) was my crisis of identity/faith/purpose and subsequent surrender. I have never known more peace than in these past few months - I KNOW that I'm doing exactly what I'm meant to do. This is a very beautiful thing ❤

Overall, forty-four has been a year of trust and obedience and grace and learning to follow faithfully and willingly and joyfully the path set before me. I've seen significant growth in the area of self-discipline, which is HUGE for me - it's been something I've struggled with and failed at my whole life. It's very gratifying to see progress being made!

As I look to forty-five, I'm feeling... (hmmm, I just sat here for five minutes, trying to figure out exactly how I'm feeling... interesting 😖)

Here's why: I've been bombarded this past year, but especially these last couple of weeks, by so many Facebook and IG posts telling me I should dream big, chase my dreams, get out there and live the life I want, make things happen for myself, create a life I don't need a vacation from, live out my priorities, get rid of everything in my life that doesn't bring me joy, and on and on... me, Me, ME!

The thing is, I'm hearing another, more compelling voice; a still, small one that is calling me to lay my life down, to die to myself, to pour myself out, to love and give and sacrifice and serve. Sound familiar?

I've been confused lately; those loud voices were starting to make me feel like the life I feel called to live is the wrong one; that to want to live a simple life of service and sacrifice is not enough. That it's a cop-out, cowardly, small, close-minded and fearful. That I'm not living up to my potential and letting the world down if I'm not pursuing big, bold, beautiful dreams.

The one convincing proof that the way I've chosen is worth the effort is that I ALWAYS get filled up again after pouring myself out - I never fail to receive new life, real joy, fresh hope and revitalizing energy.

And so my solitary goal for forty-five is to joyfully and expectantly follow where I'm led and give everything in me that there is to give at every opportunity, secure in the knowledge that I'll always be refueled, refreshed, renewed, restored and ready to love and give again.

It feels like a tall order some days. Surrender is not always easy. But I never walk this path alone, and I'm so grateful for that ❤

The Inevitable New Year's Post - 2020 Edition

Happy New Year, my dear Friends! Twenty twenty - woo hoo! Finally, a year that rolls easily off the tongue 😊  I wish for you all the very best year of your lives so far!

I love new beginnings. My soul thrills to each new morning as it makes its way over the horizon, replacing the dark with fresh, bright hope. (I am a self-professed #sunrisefanatic) A new day with no mistakes in it yet, as my beloved Anne would say.

My past life is liberally sprinkled with new beginnings, with fresh starts, with do-overs, mostly thanks to the extreme ups-and-downs of bipolar disorder. Very often, a debilitating episode of depression was closely followed by an overly-ambitious, highly optimistic period where I believed anything was possible and that there was nothing I couldn't do, no matter how badly I had failed at that particular thing in the past.

I probably don't need to say how exhausting and demoralizing this roller coaster life was for me, not to mention the people closest to me. I'm only beginning to realize what a toll this illness took on myself and my nearest and dearest.

Which is why I really can't adequately express how thankful I am that bipolar disorder no longer overshadows my life (you can read about that here).

My life over the past two and a half years has been vastly different in EVERY way. It's been absolutely wonderful, but I keep feeling that I need to get to know myself all over again, and that's still a little disorienting.

All that being said, I approach this dawn of a new year with mixed feelings and uncertain expectations.

This past year has been pretty wonderful. While there were certainly moments that were discouraging, disappointing and difficult, I feel I've made some good progress in 2019 along the path I feel called to pursue.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel in need of a new start, per se. I haven't fallen off any wagons, or strayed too far from the path, or experienced any major set-backs. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this is a really good thing!

However, with a New Year in front of me, it seems as good a time as any to do some dreaming and to set some goals for the year to come.

If you're new around here, you might not know that I make it a habit to choose one word for each year. It usually takes awhile to nail down, since I really want it to be a word that will inform all of my decisions and set the tone for the entire year. Joy, impossible, all, overcomer and thanks have been words I've selected in the past.

Great words, right? But I could never remember them! So they did me very little good. However, last year was different. I chose the word fearless, and posted it everywhere - on my alarm clock, my mirror, my closet, my computer, my phone... and I found it to be very helpful as I went about my days!

When I think about what I want this year to look like, several words come to mind. Present and intimacy were ones I considered - I've been hesitant to let my real self show to people in my current face-to-face life. It's relatively easy to write all this out and put it out there in cyberspace, but to have people I interact with regularly know the real me with all my faults and fears and failings is pretty scary. But, oh how I crave it - to be known (and maybe even loved), to be a participating member of a genuine community. But these words weren't as all-encompassing as I needed them to be.

So I finally settled on deeper. Richard Foster, a very wise man I respect so much, said that "the desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people."  My heart's desire to go deeper -with God, in all my relationships, in how I love others, in worship, in self-discipline, in commitment, in celebration, in sorrow, in righteous anger, in passion, in faith, in knowledge, in wisdom, in peace, in generosity, in courage, in joy!

I've lived a very superficial life out of fear of rejection, failure, and pain. But I've had a taste of what the deeper life might be like in 2019, and I want more. I want to go there, in spite of the inevitable rejection, failure and pain. Is it a bit terrifying? You bet! However, I firmly believe that the joy will outweigh the pain. So I'm diving in!

What do you hope 2020 will look like for you? I'd love to hear if you have a word, or a resolution, or a goal, or a hope or a dream! Happy New Year, dear Friends! ❤

Joy?

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2)

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I had almost forgotten about this verse. When things are smooth-sailing and happy-happy, it's easy to forget. Comfort and peace are lovely and desirable, but they don't drive me to God like trials do.

With the crashing down of my career dreams and subsequent financial strain, I find myself in painfully familiar territory. But as things are getting tighter and tighter, I'm experiencing the presence of God in a powerfully personal way. God's gone out of His way this week to show me what a gift this particular brand of trial is, and has been, in my life.

I've been short on joy (pun fully intended 😊) for a long time, and it was only when my situation became desperate that I rediscovered (the) real joy. As long as I believed, even subconsciously, that I could take care of my self and run my own life successfully, there was an underlying hint of dissatisfaction and discontent that shrouded everything in subtle shades of grey. As long as I felt the responsibility to solve my own problems and make my own decisions; while I insisted on holding the reins of my future; when I ceased depending on God for direction and inspiration and provision, my joy ebbed.

What a wonderful thing it is to have no other choice but to depend on Him to bring me through a particular situation! (Correction: I always have a choice; it's just that there are times when He makes the choice a really easy one 😊) The Message puts it like this, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colours."

I was dismayed and a little ashamed to witness my own reaction to recent rejection and redirection. My faith really floundered for awhile. All summer, anxiety and unease were my constant companions, along with the heavy burden of self-inflicted self-reliance. I'd been looking at the goodness of God through the lens of my circumstances, not the other way around.

But God loves me too much to let me flounder forever. He collected all my broken pieces and is putting me back together. He never forces me into anything, though - I love that about Him. He's been gently calling me to surrender to Him again - it's a decision I need to make over and over and over. Every time I take it all back on my own shoulders, God's kindness (eventually, because I'm pretty hard-headed) leads me back to repentance and surrender. One of the gracious gifts of this trial has been release from that heaviness. I'm so thankful!

Life is so much better, fuller, deeper, richer, sweeter with Him! That's where (the) real joy is - with Him! That's where I keep uncovering who I really am, where I'm encouraged and empowered to affirm my identity and value and purpose. He's reminded me that I've already been set free to rejoice, to mourn, to connect, to create, to work, to rest, to dream, to delight - to live.

#grateful ❤

Here We Go Again

When I was prompted to start this blog (almost nine years ago?!), it was because I'd had a major revelation about my life and why I was practicing harmful, destructive, compulsive behaviours. I was unknowingly trying to kill myself with food because I hated myself.

That initial blog post (you can check it out here if you've joined me more recently) was the first brave, terrifying step down a path of self-discovery, self-disclosure, healing and growth. I'm so grateful for the journey.

One reason I'm particularly grateful is that I'm able to identify more readily now when something's not quite right in my life. Blogging has a proven track record of providing me with a bit of clarity - quite often, I don't know how I feel about something until I write it out.

The past few months have been rough - unsettled. Uncertain. Ever since last March, when the possibility arose that my dream job might become available. I quit my (not-dream) job at the end of June so that I'd be available should the opportunity arise to pursue this dream. I did everything I could to be ready - I prayed, I studied, I read, I researched, I connected, I engaged... I wanted it so much; I felt so sure that everything in my life had been preparing me for this; it was exactly the right time and place; it would solve so many problems; it would be satisfying, meaningful work that I was made to do...

On the one hand, I knew I had what was required to do this job well; on the other hand, I knew it was a long shot, that there was a high probability, based on my resume and qualifications, that I wouldn't be considered. But I believed in my heart that this was it.

Long story short, it wasn't. I received a very kind message that they had decided not to pursue my application. I thought I was sufficiently prepared for a "no", but no. I was devastated. Heartbroken. I felt rejected, worthless, invalidated. I felt as though the rug had been pulled out from under me.

For months, I had been dreaming of what this new life would look like. How I would deal with the challenges. How I would help bring improvements and growth. I hadn't seriously considered any other scenario. I was left floundering.

It's been a couple of weeks since I received the news. I went through a real crisis of faith, wondering if I'd ever really heard from God at all or had I just been mistaking my will for His all this time. My relationship with food relapsed into something that looked much more like an addiction again. (I gained back ten pounds by eating for comfort in the uncertain months between March and August; five more in the last few weeks).

The cause of those most recent five pounds was not only emotional/comfort eating, however. I'd begun to self-sabotage again; I was eating to hurt myself. I was sabotaging myself in other ways, too - setting myself up for failure in my home business, isolating myself from my family and friends...

But thanks to this blog (and a highly insightful lesson at CR the other night), I was able to recognize the patterns before they spiraled completely out of control. I was able to look back at my past for clues about my current behaviour, and to recall that I self-sabotaged because of self-hatred and shame...

...which caused me to examine my current situation for shame and its roots. And what I discovered has been immensely useful in unraveling my current mess: now, like in the past, my shame was rooted in my perceived identity. I hadn't realized I'd banked so much of my worth on this job. Digging a little deeper, I uncovered the real roots - my identity is firmly tied to my ability/inability to make money. For so many years, I was unable to keep a job due to my mental illness. My inability to consistently contribute to our family's financial stability constantly ate away at my self-worth.

And then I was healed from bipolar disorder (see this post for all the wonderfulness!) and could finally work! There were many other issues that needed to be dealt with over those past couple of years, but finances were no longer a heavy burden - and it was wonderful!!!

Then I quit my steady-income, not-dream job to work from home, and all of a sudden, financial worries were haunting us again. I guess it's no wonder I reverted to my previous self-harm practices - it triggered the same shameful feelings and misguided beliefs in me.

Phew... I get it now! I still don't know what to do with my life now, and I still hesitate to believe that I'm hearing from God at all, but now I know what I need to do. I thought I had settled my identity issues once and for all, but it looks like I get to go deeper and uproot these false ideas. Oh goody 😊

I really am grateful. I have a choice - I don't have to continue these patterns. I don't have to be a slave to my feelings and fears. I can step into the light that God is shining on my issues and work with him to make changes, both in my thoughts and my actions. I am not alone ❤

Surprised by Sorrow

Fascinating.

This is the word that best describes how I feel about how I've been feeling these last forty-eight hours or so. Huh.

The day before yesterday was my last day of a job I've been eagerly anticipating putting behind me for many months now. I expected to feel ecstatic, joyful, delighted, free... But I did not.

I've been a full-time, fifty-hours-a-week nanny for two little boys for the past sixteen months. When I started job hunting, I needed full-time employment desperately. Our financial situation was looking more and more grim. I applied to a wide variety of jobs, to no avail. My very last resort was childcare, something I swore I'd never do. (Incidentally, it's never a good idea to say never 😊)

I found a family who were equally desperate - their previous nanny had quit with very little warning. So we entered into partnership.

I would never say it was a bad job. Challenging, yes. Exhausting, definitely. A really charming, kind, thoughtful family to work for. But it was NOT how I wanted to be spending my time.

Time - that was the issue. I no longer had any extra time to spend doing things that mattered to me; I hardly had time to do necessary things, like cook and clean and connect with my own family. (I might argue that those "extras" were also necessities; I could feel my soul shriveling as I continually neglected feeding it.)

So I decided to take a leap. I had asked God for a job, and He gave me one. I was grateful. But it was getting harder and harder to walk in the door every day with a positive attitude. I tried to convince myself that what I was doing had value (and it did), but I came to see it as a stepping stone, a period of refining and growth and learning and testing.

I asked God to release me from it. Repeatedly. And finally, after months of asking and waiting, He did. I was ecstatic, joyful, delighted... right up until the night before my last day.

Looking back, it's baffling to see how I missed realizing it would be so hard to say good-bye. It never occurred to me that there would be a hole left from removing such a significant, time-and-energy-consuming element from my life.

I'm on day two of what I referred to as "freedom". There have been moments in the past two days where I have felt and relished it - watching the sunrise as I did some early-morning gardening, taking a long walk with no stroller to push or questions to answer, making breakfast for my own kids... But there have been poignant moments of emptiness, sorrow even.

I had asked God ad nauseam to give me His love for this family. Why am I so surprised now to discover that He in fact did? ❤

I think there's another element to my uneasiness, too. As painstakingly planned, I am now fully dependent on my own devices to produce enough income to sustain us. And that is freaking me out - another sensation I didn't expect.

I'm now pursuing employment I'm passionate about - educating about the dangers of household chemicals and offering a better way; providing guidance and direction on the path to healing and wholeness. These two entrepreneurial enterprises make me excited to get up in the morning; but the fact that I have to depend on myself for motivation and discipline and consistency and effort is daunting, to say the least.

So instead of the unfettered joy I thought I'd be experiencing today, it's a mixed bag. And instead of continuing to be frustrated with myself for not meeting my (kind of ridiculous) expectations, I will apply grace.

(Grace in sunrise form 😊)

New Wine

It's MARCH!!!!  Can I get a hallelujah?! Even though in most of Canada we're still under ridiculous amounts of ice and snow, in some parts of the world Spring is already springing - and it makes me so happy! I can hardly wait to see the crocuses I planted last Fall peek up through the white stuff - it won't be long now! No matter how much more snow we get in the next few weeks (and we'll likely get quite a bit - fat, fluffy flakes are falling as I type 😒), Spring will still come ❤

While I've traditionally been more of a Fall gal, the month of March and the approach of Spring has come to be very significant in my life. Two Marches ago, I experienced a miraculous healing, which radically changed every aspect of my life. (Just in case you missed it, you can read about that awesomeness here.) Still celebrating that indescribable gift!! And last March, I started the first full-time job I've ever been able to keep - both my husband and my bank account are still celebrating that one 😊 

Lover of beauty that I am, I have always delighted in all the signs of new life that accompany the approach of Spring. And now I feel like I'm participating in that glorious resurrection dance - my life has been made new in so many ways. And continues to be! I'm ecstatic to report that this March is no exception...

...but first, a little Lenten interlude... 

Lent begins this coming Wednesday. It's been my habit for several years to choose a prayer to pray every day during this season, usually with a fasting/breaking/new life theme, to prepare my heart for the soul-feast of Easter. This has been a very spiritually enriching practice for me. Each prayer has crossed my path randomly, or so it seemed at the time. I've never really sought them out, but I always recognized them as significant upon first reading/hearing. 

About a month ago, I had the privilege of visiting a much-loved church I used to attend. I was graciously allowed to sing with the worship team, which never fails to thrill my soul. One of the new songs we sang struck me instantly as "the one" for this year's Lenten journey. It's called New Wine. (You can listen to it here.) 

In the crushing, in the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil, I now surrender
You are breaking new ground

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don't need to understand

Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me

'Cause where there is new wine
There is new power
There is new freedom
And the kingdom is here
I lay down my old flames
To carry Your new fire today 

So make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
God, I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me

I've already been meditating on these words and images, and am so looking forward to what God will reveal as I delve deeper into their meaning and significance for my journey. The "crushing" and "pressing" strike me particularly; there's been a lot of that in my life lately. Not that I know much about it, but the process of wine-making is a pretty violent one - for the grape! Crushing and pressing are not gentle actions - they imply pressure and changing of shape and squeezing out; but all for the purpose of making something new.

So that's what March feels like for me this year. I'm taking steps toward what I believe God has called and equipped me to do; I'll be listening for God's voice so that I don't run ahead or lag behind. It's an exciting and scary and tension-filled place to be - living in between the now and the not-yet. But as I learn to love the questions and embrace the stretching, I believe I'll find abundant grace and joy here.  

The Inevitable New Year's Post - 2019 Edition (only a month late!)

Happy New Year! I know, I know, I'm a little late... but better late than never, I hope 😊 

Those of you who've been journeying with me for awhile may remember that I have always chosen a meaningful word to define the year to come - with varying degrees of success. My memory is the guilty party in this instance; when I started looking back over the years, I couldn't even remember last year's word, let alone from years gone by! This is why I write things down.

As I reviewed my previous posts, it was fascinating to discover the words I'd chosen and recall the highs and lows of each particular year. Starting from last year and going back, my last five words have been joy, impossible, all, overcomer and thanks. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that so far, this practice has yielded very little fruit. So why continue?

Well, I guess I'm a hopeful person by nature. I keep trying in the hopes that things will be different this year. But you know the definition of insanity, right? Well, instead of doing the same thing and anticipating different results, I'm going to try something new. A little thing, really, but I'm believing that it will make all the difference. I'm writing it down. But not just in this one blog post where I'll never see it again until next year. It's on my alarm clock, in my closet, on my mirror, on my whiteboard, on my computer, on my phone...

Because I really want to remember it this year. Already, this word has helped bring about some major breakthroughs in 2019. A little backstory...

For the past two and a half years, I've been dealing with some trauma from past abuse. Abuse that happened around twenty two years ago, but that I was only recently able to recognize and name. This has caused my marriage to suffer. I had no idea how to move past the trauma. I had prayed, written, seen a counsellor, started attending Celebrate Recovery... it seemed as though nothing was making a difference.

Fast-forward to mid-January. I had made arrangements to attend a discipleship conference in Calgary. I was really looking forward to seeing so many people I love and going deeper with God, while at the same time hoping that I could just leave this issue at home and not have to deal with it there.

I really should have known better 😊 Through a series of very fortunate events (for lack of a better word), I was finally enabled to let go of the fear that was holding me back and embrace all the good God has for me going forward.

It was only after I'd been back home for a few days and had some time to process everything that had happened that my word of the year occurred to me. Fearless. I can't wait to see what a difference it makes in my year!

And so, a very happy New Year, dear Friends - may it be your best year yet, full of peace and grace and hope and joy! May it also be a year of no fear ❤

44

Wow. Another birthday blog post - really? This year has actually zoomed by; can't believe January tenth has rolled around yet again! I wasn't sure this post would ever get written, but thanks to a series of fortunate and unfortunate events, I'm actually home in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, and have a few hours to sit at the computer. (Kids are sick, hubby's in meetings, work kids' grandparents are in town... )

I miss blogging - I didn't even get to write any advent reflections or my "inevitable new year's post". (not so inevitable, I guess 😏 ) So I'm grateful for the opportunity to pound out a few thoughts about the year that's gone and the one that's yet to come.

Ironically, I don't feel I have a lot to say. Funny how working full-time at the mercy of an employer (even a great one) leaves so little time for the contemplative life I would love to lead. One thing I've learned this year, though, is how to embrace my current reality while working towards my ideal one. I started my nannying job in February of last year; a desperate last resort so that bills could be paid every month, there would be food on the table for every meal and gas in the vehicles when we needed to drive them.

I'm happy to report that those goals are consistently being met - and then some. And it's not so bad. I have two little people who adore me (one who just started calling me Oy the other day ❤), my home family and work family who depend on me and appreciate me, and a weekly pay cheque that helps meets all of our needs and a few of our wants, too.

It's been tough on my inner life, however. Being out of the house and fully occupied for ten hours a day, five days a week leaves precious few waking hours for other pursuits. But I have come to see how very precious they are, and am learning to treat them as such. Several of those hours are already being dedicated to new clients in my fledgling counselling practice (which I hope to significantly expand starting in July when I say good-bye to nanny life). Others are spent in completing course readings and other requirements. I'm even leading worship somewhat regularly - my favourite and most life-giving use of this fleeting discretionary time.

I guess what I'm saying is that my life is full. And good! (And did I mention I lost seventy-five pounds this past year? Maybe once or twice 😉) I can say with all sincerity that forty-three has been, hands down, my very best year yet. And purely by the grace of God, I have every reason to believe that forty-four can be even better. Bring it on!

This is what (almost) forty-four looks like on me - I'll take it 😊

#thankful 

Better Together

It's a big day here at (the) real joy! About a year or so ago, God planted a tiny seed of an idea in my heart. It's been germinating and sprouting and growing along with me as I discover and explore who God has made me to be and what His call is on my life. I believe that today is the day to reveal it!

As I've been traveling this path of discovery and recovery and healing and growth over the past eight years, I've had the strong impression that the fruits of it all weren't just for me, for my own benefit and joy; that they were meant to be shared and multiplied. 

And so, with much careful planning, preparation and prayer, I'm launching a new venture. It's called "The Real You", a counselling practice in which I'm offering a fresh mix of traditional psychology, life coaching and spiritual guidance. My goal is to walk with you, helping you uncover and develop your true, authentic, best self. 

What might this look like? Each journey will be as unique as the person who walks it. We might delve into your past to examine your hurts, habits and hang-ups; replace old lies with new truths; challenge unhealthy thought patterns; look at how the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual work together for overall optimal fitness; establish goals and accountability... Each journey will be tailored to meet the needs and aspirations of the individual. We might travel together for a few weeks, several months, a year or more - flexible and specific is the name of the game. 

Here's the nitty-gritty: This service will be offered online via the (free) Zoom platform, making it possible to meet with pretty much anyone from anywhere - men, women and youth. In addition to weekly hour-long sessions, I will be available through email and text for extra discussion and support. The cost of this service is fifty dollars per session, payable through e-transfer. Sessions will be offered evenings and weekends at the availability of both parties. Our first meeting will be at no cost, and will be used to determine whether what I have to offer is what you're looking for. 

And what do I have to offer, exactly? Over the years, I've taken courses in psychology, life coaching and spiritual formation and leadership and have applied these in a variety of non-professional counselling relationships. I've also been on a very intentional journey of my own - that has included professional counselling - and have experienced breakthroughs and healing in many areas, including mental health, self-image, food addiction, marital issues, abuse, fear, trust, control and more. 

I really want to do my little bit to end the stigma that surrounds mental heath and counselling - especially in Christian circles. My heart's greatest desire is to take what I've learned and lived and use it to help others achieve breakthrough and recovery - AND peace and hope and joy and love and power and success and confidence and freedom! Who doesn't want that?! 

(If you think you or someone you love could benefit from what I'm offering, please contact me at joyefeltmate@gmail.com - it could be your first step in a life-changing journey!)

The Renovations Continue (and a happy eighth birthday to the blog!)

Have you ever taken on a major renovation project? I can't say that I have, but as HGTV is the only channel I watch (well, ok - occasionally the food network, too 😊), I've observed a fair number of them. And invariably, just as things are trucking along, everything comes to a screeching halt as some unforeseen challenge arises: hidden water damage, cracked foundations, rotted floor joists... The homeowners despair as they are confronted with the bad news, and wonder why they ever took this project on in the first place. But in the end, usually after a significant investment of even more time and money, the problem is corrected and the home is more secure, efficient, durable and beautiful than ever before.

I lied when I said I'd never taken on a major renovation project... eight years ago, I began the serious and intense work of self-renovation. It started with the deeply disturbing and oddly liberating processes of self-awareness and self-revelation. I had no idea what I was getting myself into; prior to that point, I was moving right along, blissfully unaware of the mess that lay just below my cheerful, oblivious exterior. That I would unearth a severely cracked character, morbid motives, distorted childhood memories, rotten habits, carefully-concealed addictions, dysfunctional relationships and a diseased body and mind made me want to run screaming and bury my head in the sands of ignorance more than once.

Nevertheless, I persevered. Not without discouraging set-backs and looooong breaks, but the work continued. As I read back over the eight years of posts on this blog, I still recognize that lost little girl who was hopelessly addicted to food and approval, who desperately desired validation yet could see absolutely no reason to receive it. She's still there - there's a reason they call it "recovery".

But oh, the victories along the way!! And the beautiful individuals who came alongside to guide me through!! And downright miracles - so many miracles!! And more than anything, the lavish love of my Father that I was finally enabled to acknowledge and receive!! The journey has been more challenging than I could ever have imagined, but infinitely more rewarding and valuable, as well.

"Journey" is the right word, though. I used to believe that one day, I'd "arrive" - that there would be no more issues to work through, no more problems to solve, no more character flaws to tackle... and I will "arrive", but not on this side of eternity. My life has recently underscored this truth for me in some glaringly obvious ways.

Since I was healed from bipolar disorder in March of  2017 (you can read about that miracle here), my life has been vastly different and I've been able to do all sorts of things that were previously impossible for me; but that sneaking feeling that I had "arrived" began to creep in again. Thankfully (with just a wee bit of sarcasm here 😏), God has relieved me of that impression once again.

Three weeks ago, I attended my first weekly Celebrate Recovery meeting. CR is "a Christ-centered 12-step program designed to help us overcome any hurt, habit and hang-up". In those three weeks, I have again been confronted by my very worst self. It's been horrible.

On the other hand, though, it's been beautiful. A CR gathering is unlike anything I've ever experienced. Pretty much everyone there is or has been at the end of their rope; they frankly acknowledge that they are wounded and broken and are powerless to heal themselves. The worship times are raw and powerful; the teaching is authentic and practical; the small group sharing circles are heart-wrenching and real. Overwhelming? Yes, but exactly what my soul needs right now. (More about my discoveries in future posts, I'm sure.)

So... the last eight years have been... good. So thankful that "He's still workin' on me" 😊

(some hard, physical evidence of the ongoing renovations - 

indescribably grateful ❤)

Renovating Me

Last time we met here, I told you about a course I would be taking: Spiritual Formation and Leadership from Renovare (reno-VAR-ay) Institute. (By the way, Renovare simply means [in latin, I believe] renewal, or for my purposes, renovation ☺) This three year journey includes lots of reading, some writing, weekly on-line chats with my "cohort" and twice-a-year retreats in Saskatoon. 

I arrived home a couple of days ago from our first retreat, and by a series of fortunate events am enjoying a whole week off (my work family is on vacation ☺) in which to process the experience. Talk about perfect timing! 

The retreat was wonderful. We gathered at a Catholic retreat center called Queen's House, which was right on the South Saskatchewan river. Our group had met three or four times online prior to this retreat, but really didn't know each other very well at all. And such a diverse group! Three men, three women, all of different ages and backgrounds... it's amazing to me to look back on how quickly we bonded and started living into our true identity as brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I think what really brought us together was our common desire for something more. We all want to go deeper with God, whatever that might look like. That shared goal swept away any barriers that might have kept us as a distance from one another. There's something so sweet about journeying with like-minded souls towards a mutual purpose. 

The fellowship was really beautiful. And fun! Oh my goodness, so much laughter and good-natured teasing! That's one thing my spirit was hungering for - true connection with real live people. It was delightful getting to know everyone, sharing our stories and offering encouragement and a listening ear. So much wisdom around the table! 

And such a welcome change of pace from my day-to-day life! I hadn't realized to the full how much working full-time was draining me. Not so much physically anymore, but spiritually and emotionally. With only five or six waking hours at home per day now, it's been a huge challenge to fit in everything that I need to do, let alone the things I want to do.  

So it was extra-refreshing to walk (and sit) along the river for three hours one afternoon, or lay in bed and read before breakfast, or sing at the top of my lungs in an empty chapel, or pray for my new friends and be prayed for by them... even not having to cook was a blessing!

After having a bit of time to reflect on the entire experience, two significant points have emerged for me. One - it reminded me of who I am. Or more specifically, that there is more to me than my nine-to-five life might reveal. It was such a joy to be able to dust off some of my gifts that often sit on the shelf these days, like intercession, encouragement, worship leadership and (hopefully) wise counsel. That experience has led me to determine to dust them off more regularly, even in my current contexts.  

Two - and this one just hit home to me this morning as I was returning from a refreshing woodsy walk (and may be closely related to number one). Literally out of the blue, it started just pouring rain. Anyone who knows me well is well-aware of my pluviophile tendencies, and might guess that I was smiling broadly as I faced the wild wind and pounding rain. It always seems to me such a gift from my Father who knows me so well. But as I cheerfully fought my way through the elements, sopping wet, I recognized just how dry I am in my spirit. This weekend away was really just a very refreshing drop on my parched tongue. There's such a deep dryness in me; it will take some time and reflection and intention to slake it sufficiently. But I'm aware of it now, I think that's the first important step. 

I'm so, so grateful for everything God has done to move me in the direction of quenching my thirst - the thirst I didn't even know was there. Looking forward with eager anticipation to see how He wants to renovate me!

What Do You Want?

It's the most...wonderful tiiiiiiime... of the year! Kiddos here in Ontario head back to their hallowed halls of learning tomorrow! Can I get a hallelujah?! 

My guys are beyond excited - which is so nice to see. A year ago, we had just arrived in ON, the boys knew practically no one, had seen their new school exactly once, and had no idea what to expect. Excited? A bit. More like nervous, anxious, a tad freaked out... There's such comfort in the familiar. 

I'm heading into some unfamiliar territory of my own in the next week or so. In addition to my full-time job, I'll be pursuing a three-year Certificate in Spiritual Formation and Leadership from Renovare Institute. 

It's funny how one thing leads to another and another, making connections you'd never anticipated and taking you places you didn't even know existed, awaking within you desires you hadn't allowed yourself to examine closely and insisting you pay attention. It's so cool to look back and see God's guidance and intervention!

I've recently discovered in my secret soul a yearning for some structure in my spiritual life, a longing to go deeper with God and people. It started not long after I started working full-time. Previously, I'd had hours and hours every day in which to read, write, reflect, walk, worship and pray. It was a shock to my spiritual system to suddenly have all that taken away. 

I kind of pushed those feelings to the side for awhile; I just didn't have the time or energy to deal with them as I adjusted to being out of the house for nine hours each day. But they wouldn't stay there, neatly tucked away. As they clamoured for attention, I started seeking ways to nourish my spirit in the little time I could cull out of the "cook, clean, collapse" routine at the end of my days. 

Facebook to the rescue! I ate up the little bite-sized nuggets of wisdom and encouragement offered in status updates of people who were on the same path. One thing led to another, which eventually led me to a singer/songwriter/prophet, an old college friend and Renovare. 

And all that has led me to this observation/question:

You need to worship well. Because you are what you love.

And you worship what you love.
And you might not love what you think.
Which raises an important question. Let's dare to ask it.
What do you want?"

James K. A. Smith

I want depth. I want structure. I want community. I want intimacy. I want authentic connections. I want wisdom. I want purpose. I want to be transformed. I want to be used. I want more. 

What do you want?