The urge - no, urge is too strong a word - the invitation to sit and stare out the window for hours is an enticing one today. No, not out the window - the blowing snow and minus a bajillion degree weather is too much dreariness when combined with my present emotional state.
Days like today are joyless. Bleak. Blank. Dark. Dismal. (Thank you, thesaurus.com) They've come upon me often this winter. The weather, this mental disorder, and the fact that I haven't had a moment to myself in days have ganged up on me today, pushing me down into some dank abyss that I don't know how to find the desire to crawl up out of.
I guess blank describes it best. I'm not sad, per se, but void of much emotion of any kind. Like Alexander Hamilton, I thought I'd try and write my way out of it.
But it doesn't seem to be doing me much good today. Minutes tick by as I stare at the blinking cursor on the page.
I guess I might as well get this revelation out of the way: I lost my "job" recently. (I put job in quotation marks because it was hardly a job - just one hour a day, every school day.) I ended up missing too many days - partly due to physical illness, partly due to mental illness. While they were very compassionate and understanding, we all agreed that they needed someone who could be more consistent.
I'm disappointed in myself. Embarrassed. Discouraged. Wondering where to go from here; not wanting to go anywhere. A little bit relieved, too. It is what it is. (insert eyeroll emoji)
My life these days is a constant tug-of-war between accepting myself as I am and pushing myself to my limits; between the highs and the lows and trying to keep myself anchored to what I know to be true, even when I can't see it.
"Faith is hope with a track record, " writes Anne Lamott. I'm thankful for having journalled and blogged and kept gratitude lists over the years - physical evidence that God is indeed at work in my circumstances, that I can return to again and again when I've forgotten or temporarily lost the ability to believe.
So that's where I'll start. I will NOT let this entire day slip away; I will start with truth, with God - a very good place to start.