Friday, May 20, 2016

On the Edge

Oh, my dear Friends...I'm so afraid. What began as a slight unease in my soul seems to be slowly but surely nudging me closer and closer to the edge of that deep, dark, delusional pit of depression...and I so desperately want to avoid falling over the edge.

I know what lies over the precipice of this particular pit - been there, done that, got the t-shirt - several t-shirts. It's more awful than anything I've ever walked through. "Walked" isn't even the right term; more like slogged through, waded through, sat-inertly-like-a-bump-on-a-log through...

I DON'T want to go there again! I don't, I don't, I don't! It's such a scary, solitary, sad, surreal place. A place in which it seems impossible to even see the truth, let alone believe it. Where I yell at my kids and then cry, and buy chips and eat them all and feel even worse, where my house is even more of a wreck than usual and my relationships are sorely neglected, where it's painful to be with people but the loneliest place I've ever been, where joy is elusive and hope non-existent. I feel like a toddler on the verge of a tantrum, stamping feet and pounding fists and screaming, "nononononononono!".

Is it remotely possible to avoid going there? Or even desirable? Should I simply embrace the inevitable, trusting that this too shall pass and that all things will work together for my good?  I'm not sure I have any other option, to be completely honest.

I can't recall ever being aware that a "depressive episode" was imminent; only finding myself in the middle of it and waiting for it to lift. And the lifting, I definitely remember the lifting.

So maybe this is something else. Maybe I'm not about to go over the edge. Oh, I hope so.

But I'm hedging my bets. You may recall that in at least one other post, I begged you not to advise or sympathize. Well, I'm reversing that. Please, please share with me your own stories, what has helped you or someone you know in a similar situation. Comment here, Facebook me, email me, text me...And please pray for me, if praying's your thing. Bless you, Friends.

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