Here's the situation. A couple of years ago, I took a leap and joined up with a direct sales company. (Notably, this wasn't my first forage into the direct sales world. In fact, I'd been down that same road no less than three times before.) I did a few shows, earned some free product and some welcome cash, retained a few customers. Then, circumstances beyond my control dictated that I take a little-less-than-a-year's break. So I did.
Well, that break is now over, by nearly a month. I'm free again to pursue this path if I so choose. And it's a good path! I actually believe in this company; improving health and caring for the Earth are very good goals that I can endorse whole-heartedly. I actually use these products - pretty much daily - and love them! It's a mission I can really get behind, along with an incredibly supportive, empowering team that graciously offers every tool I could ever need to succeed. It offers the potential to significantly increase our earning power and can be done alongside of caring for my family and moving forward in ministry. "Yahoo"s all around!
Yet here I sit - frozen, stagnant. Oh, I've been engaged in prep work for weeks; I've attended training seminars and team meetings; I've been fully equipped and encouraged in every way. But I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified.
I'm so afraid to fail that I cannot move forward. My next step is to reach out to people, share how these products and this company have improved my life and how it can improve theirs, too. Simple, right?
There's so much at work under the surface here that I'm just beginning to see. One thing about me: my biggest fear is having people not like me, particularly through any action/inaction on my part. I have ALWAYS gone way out of my way to avoid confrontation; I run screaming at the slightest approach of conflict. It breaks my heart to think that I've hurt or disappointed or even annoyed someone, or put someone out or asked something of them that has made them uncomfortable in any way, shape or form. (For me, asking someone to support my business definitely falls under this category.)
It's silly, really. I know it is. I mean, most people who know me like me (or at the very least, haven't indicated otherwise). I'm sure there are a few out there who could do without me - that's gotta hold true for everyone, right? (Except maybe for my upline in this business - she's seriously the people-y-ist people person I've ever met!) And in a way, that's kind of the point - generally speaking, in this direct sales stuff, people are buying you as much as they're purchasing product, if not more so.
And that's what sticks in my gullet - the thought of someone "buying" me. I have made great strides towards loving and accepting myself for whom I am (and am not) over the past few years. I can see for myself that I've come a long way. But I guess I still don't feel that my customers would be getting their money's worth :)
The other bit to this puzzle is my lesser-but-still-significant fear of success. A lazy person at heart, I'm afraid (and yet I hope at the same time!) that this will take off and I'll have lots of homes/lives to help change and lots of presentations to do and lots of customers with which to build relationships...
So that's it! I woke up this morning filled with a vague, unidentified dread. It has now been identified. Now it can be worked through and dealt with and perhaps even conquered. May it be so.
(to be continued...)