Thursday, January 8, 2015

40

I'll be turning forty in a few days. Forty! I've never been one to be particularly bothered by the passing of years, but I find I'm approaching this milestone with mixed emotions. No, not even mixed - I'm not happy about forty.


Here's why: Forty is the only age that I've ever had any expectations about. For some reason, ever since I was a child, I had a picture in my mind of what forty ought to look like. I firmly believed that by forty, I'd have it all figured out - I'd be a real grown-up. That I'd be happy, healthy, successful in all areas. That I'd have that "put-together" look I'd admired and envied in so many women around that age. That I'd be a fantastic wife, an exemplary mother, a committed and disciplined Christian, achieving great things in my vocation of choice and using my spare time for creative and altruistic pursuits, a home-owner, debt-free, responsible, mature...


(You're laughing at me now, especially you more "mature" readers - but that's ok. I'm discovering, just like you have, that these are silly, unrealistic expectations of any age, any life. But I have to admit to some disappointment here. I know, I know - build a bridge and get over it... :) But you know me; I'm all about the process, the journey. For most of my life, I didn't consider my feelings worthy of consideration, so I stuffed them down and bottled them up, and that didn't work out so well for me in the long run. Therefore, I've promised myself that I would be allowed to feel what I feel, without ignoring or rushing past my feelings to the desired solution or conclusion. Thus, this blog - lucky you!)


The truth is, I feel no more than seventeen most of the time, and sometimes only eight - I still don't really think of myself as an adult. Grown-ups are confident, wise, self-assured, respected, knowledgeable, ambitious, experienced, mature, sedate, serious, decisive, with vision and direction and intention...right? I think I was more of an adult at seventeen than I am now, to be honest - I didn't even know that I didn't know! I am sure of less now than I've ever been. I'm starting on a brand new career path, I'm still a renter, I'll certainly never look "put together", and don't even get me started on weight or debt :)  I am not who I hoped I would be. Absolutely nothing has turned out the way I'd envisioned. Failure is the word that comes most readily to mind...


Paints a pretty bleak picture, doesn't it? And it would be bleak, indeed - if this was in fact my reality. Happily, my world view is being transformed! Yes, all the things I said above are absolutely true - but I no longer find my identity and value and worth and joy in my physical, temporal, temporary circumstances. God has made me who I am, and He's helping me be ok with that. He persists in telling me the truth about myself, and I'm starting to believe Him and learning to live in that truth. And while my life hasn't lived up to my expectations of it, it's been infinitely more beautiful and satisfying and rich and deep and full and wild and wonderful than I could ever have asked or imagined! I am stronger than I thought, braver than I dared to hope, more able than I ever dreamed...All through the power of God. All by the grace of God. All in the goodness of God. All for the glory of God.


Ok, so maybe turning forty won't be as traumatic as I feared. As my husband keeps reminding me, "it's just a number". I'll just keep moving forward with a thankful and open heart, ready and willing to follow my dear Father wherever He leads, trusting Him to keep reminding me who I am and, far more importantly, Whose I am. Happy birthday to me :)



8 comments:

  1. Oh my dear girl! You are much much more than what you have described---I know you are just being honest and I am so glad you are allowing yourself to work through these feelings, but I really feel sad to know you feel you are a failure. (According to your pre-conceived ideas of what forty would look like). You are exactly where God wants you to be right now: in the centre of His will. I'll bet anything that when another decade has slipped by (if the Lord tarries) you will be able to look at it with a whole new point of view. The Lord is using you mightily and will take your ministry to great heights! You know, I also dreaded turning forty (not sure why) but someone told me, "it's better than the alternative" (of not having another birthday)! So true, and now I can say like Chris, "it's just a number". I hope I still feel that way in a couple years when I turn fifty. lol

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    1. Karen, you are such a wonderful encourager - thank you! Even though to me, the alternative is VERY attractive (Eternity in Heaven?! Yes, please!), I'm seeing more and more clearly how God is transforming my brokenness into beauty for His glory - He is so good!

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  2. I wish you could see yourself how your loved ones see you, and especially how God sees you! But, I am glad His truths are speaking to your heart. :) You are a beautiful, wonderful woman! Your faith inspires me! And you are a very dear friend! I'm still getting used to 30 (with only 5 months until I'm 31!), but I hope I'm at least half the woman you are when I turn 40! Love you my friend!

    Krista

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    1. Bless you, Krista - you are, and always have been, such an encouragement to me! I'm starting to see the beauty that God can make out of brokenness, and that makes me thankful for all that He has done and continues to do :)

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  3. "Failure is the word that comes most readily to mind..."

    You succeeded in being one of the best friends I ever had in my entire life.

    "You cannot fail. You can only make mistakes, and all our mistakes are already covered by the cross." - Graham Cooke

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    1. It does my heart good to hear that, Aaron - I've always been so blessed by your friendship. Thanks for the encouragement!

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  4. I thought I commented, but alas it didn't save. Joy, you are one of those women in my life who is a beacon of light, one of those who I look up to for wisdom and guidance, both or which you provide honestly and kindly. I can barely believe it's only been a year and four months. Thank you for your love and wisdom, this blog is awesome! Love you

    Maddie

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    1. Love you, too, Maddie - you are a constant source of light and joy in my life, I can't believe I haven't known you forever! (Maybe I have, I just didn't know it :) ) Thank you for blessing me with these kind words, and with your generous and authentic friendship.

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