I turned 39 yesterday. 39! In spite of more than a few gray hairs, a few more pounds and a few more wrinkles, I can't say that I "feel" much older than 17 most of the time... While I joke about it being my "last" birthday and all, I really have no problem with the passing of another year. I have to admit that, all things considered, I'm very thankful to have celebrated another birthday at all.
I wasn't sure if/when I'd blog this particular life-story, but I think the time has come. About 8 months ago, I was suicidal. For the first time in my life. I've had many bouts with homesickness for Heaven, I guess you'd call it, but never a desire or motive or plan to actually end it all. Until this point in my life. Looking back, that 12-hour period takes on an almost dream-like quality, like it could never have really happened. It was like a trance, a delusion. After I snapped out of it (that's really what it felt like), I wrote everything down. According to that record, I had convinced myself that to end my life would be better for everyone concerned, that the benefits would outweigh any pain or sadness caused by my parting, that it actually might be God's will for me to do this. It seemed like the only way out, not just for me but for my family. I was crushed under an overwhelming heap of financial and marital and parenting issues, and couldn't fathom any possible solution - but this. I was terrified - afraid it would hurt, afraid it wouldn't work and that I'd end up an even bigger burden, afraid I wouldn't go to Heaven; but I was determined to "bless" my family in this way; giving them the opportunity to move on and make a better life for themselves. I even remember praying for courage to go through with it.
I cried out to God - nothing coherent, just a desperate heart-cry. There was no bright light or blinding insight or overwhelming love or brilliant revelation; just one thought: that this would not bring glory to Him. So it couldn't be His will. It was that one thought that helped me navigate my way out of those dark, murky waters of depression and hopelessness. It took awhile; I was still overwhelmed and still had no idea how things would ever get better, but God had convinced me that ending my life was not the answer. I even had a little chuckle in the midst of it all - suicide would have been the easy way out, and God never lets me take the easy way :)
So that's the story of my darkest day. I don't share this for sympathy or sensation, but to offer some hope to the one reading this today who may be living a similar story. I say to you - you are not alone. If you wake up to another day, God has a purpose for you. And He is completely trustworthy and infinitely strong - He will carry you and the heavy load of burdens you're dragging along behind you. Your life has value; you are loved beyond anything you could ever imagine. Our God delights in you.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:16-19)
Bless you, Friends!