I'm writing a book - did I tell you that? Do you know the one thing I believe to be essential to writing a book, or any grand undertaking, for that matter? DISCIPLINE! Wanna know my biggest weakness? DISCIPLINE! Argh! I've discovered something about myself lately, and it's driving me crazy because I have no idea how on earth to overcome it - I'm a lazy perfectionist! Oxymoron, right? Well, what it boils down to for me is that if I don't think a particular thing/task/goal will be easy to do/achieve perfectly, I don't even want to attempt it. Up until very recently, I didn't think I was a perfectionist at all; in fact, I prided myself on my non-perfectionism! It seemed that the author of virtually every blog I read was outing herself as a "recovering perfectionist" and all they wrote about was how to slow down, how focus on yourself, how to be ok with "good enough", and so on...Well, as a stay-at-home unschooling family, we're about as slow as you can go (which I love!), and I've always been ok with "good enough", particularly in all things clean.~grimace~ I didn't fit the traditional "perfectionist" mold, so I thought I was ok. I mean, sure, I had other issues, but not that, right? Wrong!
Which makes it really hard to write a book! I'm convinced it's something I'm supposed to attempt, I believe I have something of value to share, but sitting down and actually writing it? Or even scheduling time to sit down and write? Setting up a routine for myself and my family that includes quiet, uninterrupted time for Mommy to work on her book on a regular basis? I'm realizing that, in spite of my mania for to-do lists and punctuality, I've been the kind of person who just lets life happen, who goes with the flow, with whatever will most easily produce the closest-to-perfect results...Ugh! I don't want to live like that! I want to live with purpose, to make my days count, to intentionally raise my kids to love and serve Jesus, to purposefully find ways to let my husband know he's loved and valued, to reach out into my world and share a message of hope and joy...I want to know what it is to sacrifice, to put forth a real effort, to try, even to fail! But the thing is, I get bursts of resolve like this every so often, I put forth an effort for a bit, then the inevitable "something" comes up, and I find a good excuse to go back to the way things were, the way I was. I'm so tired of that vicious cycle. It's a trap - a self-sufficiency trap. As long as I believe I can pull myself up by my bootstraps (do you have boots with straps? I don't...) and succeed just by trying harder, by putting forth more effort, even by employing time management tricks and putting into place the magic "right" routine, I will remain trapped in this circle of trying and failing.
Solution? Stop striving. Let go. Let God... I know that's cliche by now, but it most accurately expresses what's on my mind tonight. You know, I was thinking of this verse in Colossians that I wanted to use to make my point, when Paul says that he's "struggling with all His energy, which so powerfully works in me". (Col. 1:29) Not my energy, but His energy...When I went to biblegateway.com to find the verse, I had to laugh because I forgot what Paul was struggling with all His energy to do: "to present everyone perfect in Christ"! (1:28) Perfect in Christ! ~smile~
I have a feeling, however, that this discovery (or re-discovery, 'cause I know this stuff, I just forget - a lot!) is only the very beginning; that now a long process is in order to reprogram my brain and adjust to a new way of thinking - again - and that perseverance and trust will become the names of the game. I am so very thankful that God never gives up on me, no matter how many times a lesson needs to be drilled into my heart and head. Hope is a beautiful thing! Bless you, my Friends! May you know real joy today!