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I love writing this yearly post for several reasons, but mostly because I don't have to agonize over a clever title 😏

This is my seventh year of writing a birthday post. Maybe it's just because my birthday is so close to New Year's, but I find as January 10th approaches, I'm in even more of a mood for pondering the past and wondering about what's to come . Birthdays are a good chance to stop and reflect.

Forty-four was a good year; a great year, really. Funny, I can't recall anything astounding or monumental that happened... Well, I did reach the eighty pound mark in my weigh loss journey, and I did cross off a bucket-list item - a family beach vacation in a PEI cottage... okay, a couple of awesome things happened this past year 😊

One major event of the year that seemed awful at the time (but turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me) was my crisis of identity/faith/purpose and subsequent surrender. I have never known more peace than in these past few months - I KNOW that I'm doing exactly what I'm meant to do. This is a very beautiful thing ❤

Overall, forty-four has been a year of trust and obedience and grace and learning to follow faithfully and willingly and joyfully the path set before me. I've seen significant growth in the area of self-discipline, which is HUGE for me - it's been something I've struggled with and failed at my whole life. It's very gratifying to see progress being made!

As I look to forty-five, I'm feeling... (hmmm, I just sat here for five minutes, trying to figure out exactly how I'm feeling... interesting 😖)

Here's why: I've been bombarded this past year, but especially these last couple of weeks, by so many Facebook and IG posts telling me I should dream big, chase my dreams, get out there and live the life I want, make things happen for myself, create a life I don't need a vacation from, live out my priorities, get rid of everything in my life that doesn't bring me joy, and on and on... me, Me, ME!

The thing is, I'm hearing another, more compelling voice; a still, small one that is calling me to lay my life down, to die to myself, to pour myself out, to love and give and sacrifice and serve. Sound familiar?

I've been confused lately; those loud voices were starting to make me feel like the life I feel called to live is the wrong one; that to want to live a simple life of service and sacrifice is not enough. That it's a cop-out, cowardly, small, close-minded and fearful. That I'm not living up to my potential and letting the world down if I'm not pursuing big, bold, beautiful dreams.

The one convincing proof that the way I've chosen is worth the effort is that I ALWAYS get filled up again after pouring myself out - I never fail to receive new life, real joy, fresh hope and revitalizing energy.

And so my solitary goal for forty-five is to joyfully and expectantly follow where I'm led and give everything in me that there is to give at every opportunity, secure in the knowledge that I'll always be refueled, refreshed, renewed, restored and ready to love and give again.

It feels like a tall order some days. Surrender is not always easy. But I never walk this path alone, and I'm so grateful for that ❤

The Inevitable New Year's Post - 2020 Edition

Happy New Year, my dear Friends! Twenty twenty - woo hoo! Finally, a year that rolls easily off the tongue 😊  I wish for you all the very best year of your lives so far!

I love new beginnings. My soul thrills to each new morning as it makes its way over the horizon, replacing the dark with fresh, bright hope. (I am a self-professed #sunrisefanatic) A new day with no mistakes in it yet, as my beloved Anne would say.

My past life is liberally sprinkled with new beginnings, with fresh starts, with do-overs, mostly thanks to the extreme ups-and-downs of bipolar disorder. Very often, a debilitating episode of depression was closely followed by an overly-ambitious, highly optimistic period where I believed anything was possible and that there was nothing I couldn't do, no matter how badly I had failed at that particular thing in the past.

I probably don't need to say how exhausting and demoralizing this roller coaster life was for me, not to mention the people closest to me. I'm only beginning to realize what a toll this illness took on myself and my nearest and dearest.

Which is why I really can't adequately express how thankful I am that bipolar disorder no longer overshadows my life (you can read about that here).

My life over the past two and a half years has been vastly different in EVERY way. It's been absolutely wonderful, but I keep feeling that I need to get to know myself all over again, and that's still a little disorienting.

All that being said, I approach this dawn of a new year with mixed feelings and uncertain expectations.

This past year has been pretty wonderful. While there were certainly moments that were discouraging, disappointing and difficult, I feel I've made some good progress in 2019 along the path I feel called to pursue.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel in need of a new start, per se. I haven't fallen off any wagons, or strayed too far from the path, or experienced any major set-backs. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this is a really good thing!

However, with a New Year in front of me, it seems as good a time as any to do some dreaming and to set some goals for the year to come.

If you're new around here, you might not know that I make it a habit to choose one word for each year. It usually takes awhile to nail down, since I really want it to be a word that will inform all of my decisions and set the tone for the entire year. Joy, impossible, all, overcomer and thanks have been words I've selected in the past.

Great words, right? But I could never remember them! So they did me very little good. However, last year was different. I chose the word fearless, and posted it everywhere - on my alarm clock, my mirror, my closet, my computer, my phone... and I found it to be very helpful as I went about my days!

When I think about what I want this year to look like, several words come to mind. Present and intimacy were ones I considered - I've been hesitant to let my real self show to people in my current face-to-face life. It's relatively easy to write all this out and put it out there in cyberspace, but to have people I interact with regularly know the real me with all my faults and fears and failings is pretty scary. But, oh how I crave it - to be known (and maybe even loved), to be a participating member of a genuine community. But these words weren't as all-encompassing as I needed them to be.

So I finally settled on deeper. Richard Foster, a very wise man I respect so much, said that "the desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people."  My heart's desire to go deeper -with God, in all my relationships, in how I love others, in worship, in self-discipline, in commitment, in celebration, in sorrow, in righteous anger, in passion, in faith, in knowledge, in wisdom, in peace, in generosity, in courage, in joy!

I've lived a very superficial life out of fear of rejection, failure, and pain. But I've had a taste of what the deeper life might be like in 2019, and I want more. I want to go there, in spite of the inevitable rejection, failure and pain. Is it a bit terrifying? You bet! However, I firmly believe that the joy will outweigh the pain. So I'm diving in!

What do you hope 2020 will look like for you? I'd love to hear if you have a word, or a resolution, or a goal, or a hope or a dream! Happy New Year, dear Friends! ❤

Joy?

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2)

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I had almost forgotten about this verse. When things are smooth-sailing and happy-happy, it's easy to forget. Comfort and peace are lovely and desirable, but they don't drive me to God like trials do.

With the crashing down of my career dreams and subsequent financial strain, I find myself in painfully familiar territory. But as things are getting tighter and tighter, I'm experiencing the presence of God in a powerfully personal way. God's gone out of His way this week to show me what a gift this particular brand of trial is, and has been, in my life.

I've been short on joy (pun fully intended 😊) for a long time, and it was only when my situation became desperate that I rediscovered (the) real joy. As long as I believed, even subconsciously, that I could take care of my self and run my own life successfully, there was an underlying hint of dissatisfaction and discontent that shrouded everything in subtle shades of grey. As long as I felt the responsibility to solve my own problems and make my own decisions; while I insisted on holding the reins of my future; when I ceased depending on God for direction and inspiration and provision, my joy ebbed.

What a wonderful thing it is to have no other choice but to depend on Him to bring me through a particular situation! (Correction: I always have a choice; it's just that there are times when He makes the choice a really easy one 😊) The Message puts it like this, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colours."

I was dismayed and a little ashamed to witness my own reaction to recent rejection and redirection. My faith really floundered for awhile. All summer, anxiety and unease were my constant companions, along with the heavy burden of self-inflicted self-reliance. I'd been looking at the goodness of God through the lens of my circumstances, not the other way around.

But God loves me too much to let me flounder forever. He collected all my broken pieces and is putting me back together. He never forces me into anything, though - I love that about Him. He's been gently calling me to surrender to Him again - it's a decision I need to make over and over and over. Every time I take it all back on my own shoulders, God's kindness (eventually, because I'm pretty hard-headed) leads me back to repentance and surrender. One of the gracious gifts of this trial has been release from that heaviness. I'm so thankful!

Life is so much better, fuller, deeper, richer, sweeter with Him! That's where (the) real joy is - with Him! That's where I keep uncovering who I really am, where I'm encouraged and empowered to affirm my identity and value and purpose. He's reminded me that I've already been set free to rejoice, to mourn, to connect, to create, to work, to rest, to dream, to delight - to live.

#grateful ❤