Renovating Me

Last time we met here, I told you about a course I would be taking: Spiritual Formation and Leadership from Renovare (reno-VAR-ay) Institute. (By the way, Renovare simply means [in latin, I believe] renewal, or for my purposes, renovation ☺) This three year journey includes lots of reading, some writing, weekly on-line chats with my "cohort" and twice-a-year retreats in Saskatoon. 

I arrived home a couple of days ago from our first retreat, and by a series of fortunate events am enjoying a whole week off (my work family is on vacation ☺) in which to process the experience. Talk about perfect timing! 

The retreat was wonderful. We gathered at a Catholic retreat center called Queen's House, which was right on the South Saskatchewan river. Our group had met three or four times online prior to this retreat, but really didn't know each other very well at all. And such a diverse group! Three men, three women, all of different ages and backgrounds... it's amazing to me to look back on how quickly we bonded and started living into our true identity as brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I think what really brought us together was our common desire for something more. We all want to go deeper with God, whatever that might look like. That shared goal swept away any barriers that might have kept us as a distance from one another. There's something so sweet about journeying with like-minded souls towards a mutual purpose. 

The fellowship was really beautiful. And fun! Oh my goodness, so much laughter and good-natured teasing! That's one thing my spirit was hungering for - true connection with real live people. It was delightful getting to know everyone, sharing our stories and offering encouragement and a listening ear. So much wisdom around the table! 

And such a welcome change of pace from my day-to-day life! I hadn't realized to the full how much working full-time was draining me. Not so much physically anymore, but spiritually and emotionally. With only five or six waking hours at home per day now, it's been a huge challenge to fit in everything that I need to do, let alone the things I want to do.  

So it was extra-refreshing to walk (and sit) along the river for three hours one afternoon, or lay in bed and read before breakfast, or sing at the top of my lungs in an empty chapel, or pray for my new friends and be prayed for by them... even not having to cook was a blessing!

After having a bit of time to reflect on the entire experience, two significant points have emerged for me. One - it reminded me of who I am. Or more specifically, that there is more to me than my nine-to-five life might reveal. It was such a joy to be able to dust off some of my gifts that often sit on the shelf these days, like intercession, encouragement, worship leadership and (hopefully) wise counsel. That experience has led me to determine to dust them off more regularly, even in my current contexts.  

Two - and this one just hit home to me this morning as I was returning from a refreshing woodsy walk (and may be closely related to number one). Literally out of the blue, it started just pouring rain. Anyone who knows me well is well-aware of my pluviophile tendencies, and might guess that I was smiling broadly as I faced the wild wind and pounding rain. It always seems to me such a gift from my Father who knows me so well. But as I cheerfully fought my way through the elements, sopping wet, I recognized just how dry I am in my spirit. This weekend away was really just a very refreshing drop on my parched tongue. There's such a deep dryness in me; it will take some time and reflection and intention to slake it sufficiently. But I'm aware of it now, I think that's the first important step. 

I'm so, so grateful for everything God has done to move me in the direction of quenching my thirst - the thirst I didn't even know was there. Looking forward with eager anticipation to see how He wants to renovate me!

What Do You Want?

It's the most...wonderful tiiiiiiime... of the year! Kiddos here in Ontario head back to their hallowed halls of learning tomorrow! Can I get a hallelujah?! 

My guys are beyond excited - which is so nice to see. A year ago, we had just arrived in ON, the boys knew practically no one, had seen their new school exactly once, and had no idea what to expect. Excited? A bit. More like nervous, anxious, a tad freaked out... There's such comfort in the familiar. 

I'm heading into some unfamiliar territory of my own in the next week or so. In addition to my full-time job, I'll be pursuing a three-year Certificate in Spiritual Formation and Leadership from Renovare Institute. 

It's funny how one thing leads to another and another, making connections you'd never anticipated and taking you places you didn't even know existed, awaking within you desires you hadn't allowed yourself to examine closely and insisting you pay attention. It's so cool to look back and see God's guidance and intervention!

I've recently discovered in my secret soul a yearning for some structure in my spiritual life, a longing to go deeper with God and people. It started not long after I started working full-time. Previously, I'd had hours and hours every day in which to read, write, reflect, walk, worship and pray. It was a shock to my spiritual system to suddenly have all that taken away. 

I kind of pushed those feelings to the side for awhile; I just didn't have the time or energy to deal with them as I adjusted to being out of the house for nine hours each day. But they wouldn't stay there, neatly tucked away. As they clamoured for attention, I started seeking ways to nourish my spirit in the little time I could cull out of the "cook, clean, collapse" routine at the end of my days. 

Facebook to the rescue! I ate up the little bite-sized nuggets of wisdom and encouragement offered in status updates of people who were on the same path. One thing led to another, which eventually led me to a singer/songwriter/prophet, an old college friend and Renovare. 

And all that has led me to this observation/question:

You need to worship well. Because you are what you love.

And you worship what you love.
And you might not love what you think.
Which raises an important question. Let's dare to ask it.
What do you want?"

James K. A. Smith

I want depth. I want structure. I want community. I want intimacy. I want authentic connections. I want wisdom. I want purpose. I want to be transformed. I want to be used. I want more. 

What do you want? 

Impossibly Impassable

I just got home from the BEST. VACATION. EVER. No, seriously - I can't imagine a better one. It wasn't a trip-of-a-lifetime to some exotic, far-away locale. It wasn't a thrilling succession of new people and places and experiences. There were no euphoria-inducing roller coasters or gourmet dinners. It was just... HOME.

Many of my readers know that I hail from the cozy little town of Woodstock in New Brunswick, Canada. With a population of five thousand, it may not be the most happening place on the planet, but it's home. And I hadn't been back in almost six years.

It was delightful - for many reasons. For one, New Brunswick is beautiful; my nature-loving soul was enjoying a continual feast. Early-morning walks along the river, trips to the beach, uninterrupted sunrises and sunsets... bliss.

But for once, it wasn't all about the scenery, gorgeous as it was. It was about the people.

(A little backstory: I've suffered from bipolar disorder for most of my life, and didn't know it until two years ago. Thanks to the resulting ups and downs, any visit I made back home consisted mainly of drinking in the natural beauty and lounging around my parents' house. However, it's been over a year since I've experienced any bipolar symptoms {for details about that, see this post}. In real life, this translates into more energy, more consistency, steadier emotions, less desire for isolation and more inclination to be with people. I've also lost sixty pounds in the past year, which has definitely helped boost both my energy and confidence!)

This was the first time ever that I dared to reach out to some significant people from various points in my past. I was a little nervous, attempting to connect with individuals whom I hadn't seen face to face in as much as twenty five years, but oh, I'm so glad I did! Everyone I contacted seemed downright delighted at the prospect of seeing me. That was (pleasant) surprise number one.

Surprise number two came from the visits themselves. I ended up connecting with around a dozen people - met some for coffee or lunch, visited a few in their homes, walked and talked in the park, chatted in a parking lot and a church stairwell... I was hugged and fed and watered and prayed with and prophesied over and encouraged. We laughed and cried and reminisced and caught up on our lives; shared hopes and dreams and talked through worries and fears. It was all so good.

Boiled down, it all had a very healing effect. I felt as though many of those precious friendships from the past had been drawn into my present - that they weren't just old connections but current ones, bridging my past to my future in the most wonderful way. Perhaps this was especially meaningful because of our recent move and now-lack of close, deep, local friendships. But whatever the logic behind it, it was a beautiful thing. I'm so thankful for these dear souls who were/are willing to share their lives with me ❤

And as if all that wonderfulness isn't enough, there was another, even more unanticipated outcome. There's been a personal issue I've been pounding away at for over two years now, with not much progress. But as I experienced the joy of community, of belonging, of soul-to-soul connecting, I found that the path that had seemed so impossibly impassable suddenly opened up a bit, allowing me to take a few more steps forward. I had no idea how interconnected the different parts of my life are, and that breakthrough in one area could lead to breakthrough in another - totally unrelated - area. (And may I add here a hearty "hallelujah!"?)

Ahhhh, that's better. I've been struggling to define what happened in me on this most satisfying of holidays, and I understand it all a little better now. Thanks for listening 😊❤