What Do You Want?

It's the most...wonderful tiiiiiiime... of the year! Kiddos here in Ontario head back to their hallowed halls of learning tomorrow! Can I get a hallelujah?! 

My guys are beyond excited - which is so nice to see. A year ago, we had just arrived in ON, the boys knew practically no one, had seen their new school exactly once, and had no idea what to expect. Excited? A bit. More like nervous, anxious, a tad freaked out... There's such comfort in the familiar. 

I'm heading into some unfamiliar territory of my own in the next week or so. In addition to my full-time job, I'll be pursuing a three-year Certificate in Spiritual Formation and Leadership from Renovare Institute. 

It's funny how one thing leads to another and another, making connections you'd never anticipated and taking you places you didn't even know existed, awaking within you desires you hadn't allowed yourself to examine closely and insisting you pay attention. It's so cool to look back and see God's guidance and intervention!

I've recently discovered in my secret soul a yearning for some structure in my spiritual life, a longing to go deeper with God and people. It started not long after I started working full-time. Previously, I'd had hours and hours every day in which to read, write, reflect, walk, worship and pray. It was a shock to my spiritual system to suddenly have all that taken away. 

I kind of pushed those feelings to the side for awhile; I just didn't have the time or energy to deal with them as I adjusted to being out of the house for nine hours each day. But they wouldn't stay there, neatly tucked away. As they clamoured for attention, I started seeking ways to nourish my spirit in the little time I could cull out of the "cook, clean, collapse" routine at the end of my days. 

Facebook to the rescue! I ate up the little bite-sized nuggets of wisdom and encouragement offered in status updates of people who were on the same path. One thing led to another, which eventually led me to a singer/songwriter/prophet, an old college friend and Renovare. 

And all that has led me to this observation/question:

You need to worship well. Because you are what you love.

And you worship what you love.
And you might not love what you think.
Which raises an important question. Let's dare to ask it.
What do you want?"

James K. A. Smith

I want depth. I want structure. I want community. I want intimacy. I want authentic connections. I want wisdom. I want purpose. I want to be transformed. I want to be used. I want more. 

What do you want? 

Impossibly Impassable

I just got home from the BEST. VACATION. EVER. No, seriously - I can't imagine a better one. It wasn't a trip-of-a-lifetime to some exotic, far-away locale. It wasn't a thrilling succession of new people and places and experiences. There were no euphoria-inducing roller coasters or gourmet dinners. It was just... HOME.

Many of my readers know that I hail from the cozy little town of Woodstock in New Brunswick, Canada. With a population of five thousand, it may not be the most happening place on the planet, but it's home. And I hadn't been back in almost six years.

It was delightful - for many reasons. For one, New Brunswick is beautiful; my nature-loving soul was enjoying a continual feast. Early-morning walks along the river, trips to the beach, uninterrupted sunrises and sunsets... bliss.

But for once, it wasn't all about the scenery, gorgeous as it was. It was about the people.

(A little backstory: I've suffered from bipolar disorder for most of my life, and didn't know it until two years ago. Thanks to the resulting ups and downs, any visit I made back home consisted mainly of drinking in the natural beauty and lounging around my parents' house. However, it's been over a year since I've experienced any bipolar symptoms {for details about that, see this post}. In real life, this translates into more energy, more consistency, steadier emotions, less desire for isolation and more inclination to be with people. I've also lost sixty pounds in the past year, which has definitely helped boost both my energy and confidence!)

This was the first time ever that I dared to reach out to some significant people from various points in my past. I was a little nervous, attempting to connect with individuals whom I hadn't seen face to face in as much as twenty five years, but oh, I'm so glad I did! Everyone I contacted seemed downright delighted at the prospect of seeing me. That was (pleasant) surprise number one.

Surprise number two came from the visits themselves. I ended up connecting with around a dozen people - met some for coffee or lunch, visited a few in their homes, walked and talked in the park, chatted in a parking lot and a church stairwell... I was hugged and fed and watered and prayed with and prophesied over and encouraged. We laughed and cried and reminisced and caught up on our lives; shared hopes and dreams and talked through worries and fears. It was all so good.

Boiled down, it all had a very healing effect. I felt as though many of those precious friendships from the past had been drawn into my present - that they weren't just old connections but current ones, bridging my past to my future in the most wonderful way. Perhaps this was especially meaningful because of our recent move and now-lack of close, deep, local friendships. But whatever the logic behind it, it was a beautiful thing. I'm so thankful for these dear souls who were/are willing to share their lives with me ❤

And as if all that wonderfulness isn't enough, there was another, even more unanticipated outcome. There's been a personal issue I've been pounding away at for over two years now, with not much progress. But as I experienced the joy of community, of belonging, of soul-to-soul connecting, I found that the path that had seemed so impossibly impassable suddenly opened up a bit, allowing me to take a few more steps forward. I had no idea how interconnected the different parts of my life are, and that breakthrough in one area could lead to breakthrough in another - totally unrelated - area. (And may I add here a hearty "hallelujah!"?)

Ahhhh, that's better. I've been struggling to define what happened in me on this most satisfying of holidays, and I understand it all a little better now. Thanks for listening 😊❤

Blooming Where I'm Planted

It's Springtime here in southern Ontario, and the woods are full of the most exquisite wildflowers - so many different shapes, sizes, colours, textures and scents, all thriving out there in their own unique ways. It makes my heart sing. ❤

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and what I want it to look like; more specifically, how to really bloom where I've been planted. Having been employed as a full-time nanny for three whole months now has given me a new perspective on many things - I appreciate my family, the weekend, any chance to visit the restroom unaccompanied, and any time off so much more than I ever did in the past, when I was either unemployed or doing very flexible church work.

(My work family is travelling next week, which leaves me with NINE WHOLE DAYS OFF! I really want to make the most of them, rather than having the time pass me by as I play Word Cookies on my phone all day. Thus this post... )

I guess I can admit now that the first six weeks of my new job were really dreadful - not the work itself, necessarily, but the adjusting to a new schedule and the exhaustion of my new responsibilities, the novelty of getting dressed EVERY DAY and wondering what awful, unexpected thing I would face next. I felt that my new employers had VERY high expectations to which I would never, ever measure up.

But eventually, everything fell into place and I realized one evening that I wasn't completely spent at the end of the day, that I actually liked the little people I was hanging out with, and that my employers genuinely appreciated my efforts to nurture their children and manage their home. (AND we were able to pay ALL our bills EVERY month - hallelujah!!)

So, while I don't mind my nine-to-five life (actually 7:45-4:30☺), it's got me asking hard questions about my talents and desires and dreams and goals.

Questions like: What am I really good at? What brings me joy? What's my purpose here, really? What would I do if money wasn't an issue? How do I go about building a life that glorifies God, serves others, uses my gifts and satisfies my soul? (And pays the bills...) What would that look like?

When I look at my current situation, it does indeed meet some of the above criteria. For that, I give thanks. However, as I look towards the not-so-far-off finish line of this particular season (July 2019), I'm inspired to consider how I can enhance the present in a way that will lead to future God-honouring satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy.

I'm beginning to formulate some answers to the big questions, but it's still a mystery to me how I might fit some of these joy-giving practices into the four or so hours I have each night between getting home, cooking supper, spending a little time with my family, preparing for the next day and falling into bed.

How do you do it? Are you living the life of your dreams? If not, why not? If so, how? How do we bloom where we're planted? I'd love to hear your stories. ❤