Good-fer-nothin'

Illness and infirmity often give birth to contemplation, generally tending towards the negative or at best the more realistic. Would you agree with that statement? I'm on day three of a migraine that has gone from raging to borderline, and day eleven of a cold/flu that just won't give up. In the process of dealing with it all, some questions and doubts have surfaced that I may have buried at some earlier occasion.

Thanks in part to a stint of unemployment for our family's "breadwinner", I find myself questioning my own usefulness, specifically my employ-ability. Between coughing up lungs and downing many Tylenol, I've been taking a good hard look at reality in terms of what I can reasonably expect from myself. I've been working at my kids' school as lunchroom supervisor for a few months now. On my best days lately, I've contemplated returning to teaching or doing something in the field of education. However, I've come to the (sad?) realization that a regular job is not a possibility for me at this time - maybe never.

It's largely the symptoms of the bipolar disorder that have led me to this conclusion. The medication I've been prescribed has been helpful, but has not made my symptoms disappear, nor is it expected to do so.  My doctor suspects that I've been dealing with this illness for many years, even since adolescence. Perhaps not coincidentally, I have a long history of quitting pretty much everything I've ever started. To put it briefly, I would take on jobs, projects, hobbies, goals, etc... in the "highs" and then let them all go during the "lows".

I don't expect this to change much. This inevitably leads to queries about my ultimate purpose and value. But what's needed here is some adjustment of my own expectations. There are things I've been made and called and equipped to do, and I will pursue those things as I am able to do so. Writing this blog is one of those things. Singing/song writing is another. I will keep my one-hour-a-day school lunchroom job, challenging as it is some days to get myself out of the house for that hour. And I will keep an open heart and mind to whatever God may have for me in the future - with Him, all things are possible.

You may read this and think I've given up, or lost hope. Not in the least, dear Friend! In fact, I have a firmer grip on hope than ever. To "know thyself" holds great power and possibility. And to know my God - even more so! He walks with me through all of this, beside and behind and before. I have this hope as an anchor through the highs and lows - firm and secure.