Undone

Waves of love are crashing over me, submerging me, engulfing me, drowning me...that God would love me like He does in the midst of my mess is astounding, humbling, incredible, unfathomable! And I'm such a mess; hopeless, helpless, worthless, lifeless, meaningless, clueless... Never have I known, really known, His love to such an extent as this. My whole existence, it seems, has been a journey on this path of love and grace and mercy. In His mercy, God hasn't (even yet) revealed the whole of His indescribable love to me; but it's little by little, bit by bit as I learn and grow and fail and love and live that He shows me more and more of Himself. I couldn't take it otherwise; even Moses couldn't handle the whole of God's glory - God hid him in a cleft of a rock, covered Moses with His hand and allowed Moses to see just the back of Him as He passed by. (Exodus 33) To be fair though, Moses was a mess, too - major anger issues, even to the point of murder; disobedient, unbelieving, full of excuses...This gives me hope - just look at how God used Moses! Maybe He can use me, too.

It's amazing and wonderful how God keeps on putting people and thoughts and words and songs in my path at just exactly the right time. He's been setting me up for awhile now to be absolutely blown away by a simple song, one I've heard a few times over the years but had never had any continuous contact with - I had never actually read the lyrics until yesterday. Before I go on, here's the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oef8KFUarY8 (It's 4.58 but it really ends at 3.40 if you're pressed for time)

Here by the Water
Music and Lyric by Jim Croegaert
© 1986 Rough Stones Music

Soft field of clover
Moon shining over the valley
Joining the song of the river
To the great giver of the great good
As it enfolds me
Somehow it holds me together
I realize I’ve been singing
Still it comes ringing
Clearer than clear

And here by the water
I’ll build an altar to praise Him
Out of the stones that I’ve found here
I’ll set them down here
Rough as they are
Knowing You can make them holy
Knowing You can make them holy
Knowing You can make them holy

I think how a yearning
Has kept on returning to move me
Down roads I’d never have chosen
Half the time frozen
Too numb to feel
I know it was stormy
I hope it was for me a learning
The blood on the road wasn’t mine though
Someone that I know
Has walked here before

I hope you know I wouldn't have posted the whole thing unless I deemed it worth your time :)  It was through this song that God totally broke me and stormed my heart with His love and acceptance! Steve Bell sings about building an altar with the stones he'd found there by the river, rough as they are, knowing God would make them holy, worthy...I've come to know myself a bit better in the past year or so and through that process have become even more aware of my own rough edges, my failings and inadequacies and shortcomings (yes, pun intended). Ergo, it is absolutely mind-boggling that God would take me and choose me and set me apart and adopt me and equip me and use me!  And it's all Him! He's the one who makes me holy, acceptable, usable! He did it for the stones, which are completely incapable of doing anything to make themselves holy - ditto for me! And it is He that goes before me! At the end of the second verse of this song, he sings of the storm and numbness and roads he wouldn't have chosen (and who hasn't been there?). Then! "The blood on the road wasn't mine though; Someone that I know has walked here before" - that's the part that finished me. The visual of Jesus travelling my path ahead of me just made my soul sing with gratitude and that incredible feeling of being cared for, valued, cherished, loved...

There is within all of us the desire to be fully known; understood and appreciated for exactly who we are; strengths and weaknesses, at our best and at our worst, and every quirk and oddity in between; and even in the most intimate of relationships - spouses, parents and children, siblings, the closest of friends - we always fall short. And every time we seek to meet this need and are disappointed, we lose a little bit of who we're meant to be, until we're so jaded and guarded that we don't even recognise ourselves. It's always and only in God that we will find what we're looking for, what we need. That security, acceptance, peace, love, value, worth, purpose, appreciation - the Bible says that God delights in us, even sings over us! (Zephaniah 3:17) Over you! Over me!

And so I'm coming to terms with my big, beautiful mess :) As I learn to stop looking to people to provide what only God can, there is the joy and freedom and peace that I was seeking the whole time! It's so satisfying to be fully known and fully loved! I've always struggled with the issue of self-worth, but God has really brought the whole thing into glaring clarity over the past few months. I've started a great new job at a wonderful church, working with wonderfully skilled and competent and all-around lovely people. Awesome, right?  But all of a sudden, I'm questioning my value more often and more deeply than I have in years! And even though I know I know better, the comparison games began. (And in my own twisted mind, I never win...) But I see now that God brought me through all that to get to this. I so want to be just me, without fear or shame or worry. He is teaching me how.

Thank you for taking valuable time out of your busy life to peruse these ponderings. I'd love it if you'd leave a note in the comments, letting me know you stopped by :)  And if there's any way I can pray for you or you'd like to chat, you can reach me at thejoyofthelord(at)hotmail(dot)com. May you know real joy today!

The Race

My most significant weakness, the big one that affects every single aspect of my life, the one that has held me back from success and deep relationships and caused me to miss so many amazing opportunities - is laziness!  Perhaps I've confessed that before here, in one way or another?  My lazy perfectionism, my lack of discipline, my tendency to quit when the going gets the least bit rough, my write-a-blog-post-every-three-months habit...~smile~  I know how unbiblical laziness is, I know Proverbs points lazies to the commendable ant's work ethic and predicts doom and destruction for those so inclined, but my most excellent pastor's text this morning caused me to see all this in a brand-new light: 

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus..." Hebrews 12:1b, 2a

Being the lazy person I am, I've gotten pretty good at asking God to change me, remake me, undo me, transform me, etc... relying firmly on the "not of yourself, it is the gift of God" thing in Ephesians 2.  I'd repent, surrender, beg God to change me...then sit back and wait for something to happen! (and then get terribly discouraged when nothing did...) Now I don't know about you, but the above verses from Hebrews seem to suggest to me some action!  Lots of verbs in that short passage, throwing off and running...very active verbs, to boot!  When I picture someone doing what that verse suggests, I see big movement, active participation, planned and thoughtful motion!  Motion with exclamation points! ~smile~  And not only does it suggest action, the verb tense may indicate a repeated, continual action, particularly the racing imagery - one doesn't just run a single pace, one continues to put one foot in front of the other until the race is completed (or until one collapses from exhaustion three minutes in...).  I'm coming to see the whole thing as a continuous, keep-on-keeping-on kind of exercise.  "Let us keep on throw(ing) off everything that hinders...and let us keep on run(ning) with perseverance..."  For me, this changes everything!  I have a part to play in this "change my heart, O God" operation! 

Lest I alarm anyone with all this "me" talk, let us continue on to the last bit I quoted above: "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus".  That's what makes any of this possible at all.  Without Him, I can't even take one step, let alone hope to finish the race.  But that's the part I knew already, it just didn't help me because I was waiting for Him to swoop in and make me thin and my bank account fat and my house clean, make me disciplined, make me practice hospitality, make me show love to others...His power + my action = a step in the right direction!

I think that's all for now.  Next is to take a good look at my life and determine what exactly is hindering and entangling me, so I can throw it off, and keep throwing it off!  Looking forward to some serious self-evaluation and reflection - definitely not something that comes naturally for me. And   some action!  God's already shown me some places where I can get moving right away - literally! I have been so very weary and unmotivated and apathetic and discouraged for weeks now, and I just couldn't get to the root of the problem - until today.   Excited and wary and cautiously hopeful - I know exactly how much running hurts, and am anticipating how hard it will be to actually throw off that which hinders and entangles...  Bless you, Friend, for journeying along with me - may you know real joy today!

Remembrance

I was sitting in church this morning, waiting for the deacons to serve the communion bread.  I was praying silently, "You have done so much for me, God...." when I had a sudden realization: God hasn't just done "so much" - He's done it ALL!  My salvation is complete in Him, my freedom from sin and self is thoroughly accomplished in Him, my acceptance into His family as His precious daughter is DONE in Him!  There are no hoops to jump through, no tests to pass, no striving to make it - it's DONE!  You know that old hymn, "Jesus Paid It All"?  He really did!  Hallelujah!

Pastor Mike was talking about remembering today, remembering the high price paid for our freedom as a country.  I am so thankful for those men and women who were and are willing to give their very lives for my freedom and for the freedom of my children and their children, though they didn't/don't even know me.  It's pretty mind-boggling!  And as amazing as their sacrifice was/is, how awesome is it that Jesus made that ultimate sacrifice not for my rights and privileges as a Canadian, but to purchase my freedom for life and eternity!  And not for some unknown stranger in a generation yet to come, but already knowing every little thing about me...knowing I would betray Him, I would forget Him, I would take Him for granted, I would be selfish and lazy and unloving and ungrateful and deceitful and selfish some more...  I want to remember.  I want so much to live in an atmosphere of Christ, sharing every thought, every joy, trial, struggle, battle, triumph, every breath a prayer.  And I think an important step to getting there is remembering that Jesus has indeed done it ALL.  I can't seem to get away from the cliche "let go and let God..." because it's true!  I have absolutely no need to hold on to anything because He's already done it all, already planned it all out, already written the story - and even promised that the ending is really good!  What freedom there is in knowing that everything's been taken care of, all the little details have been attended to, all the i's dotted and t's crossed...by the One who loved me enough to sacrifice everything for my sake!  Why, oh why can't I rest in this?  Why, oh why do I continue to scurry around as if everything were up to me, as if I were the one in control? May we learn to rest in those oh-so-capable arms that are so very willing to hold us, and in doing so, may we take one more step towards finding real joy.  Bless you, Friends!