The Inevitable New Year's Post - 2020 Edition

Happy New Year, my dear Friends! Twenty twenty - woo hoo! Finally, a year that rolls easily off the tongue 😊  I wish for you all the very best year of your lives so far!

I love new beginnings. My soul thrills to each new morning as it makes its way over the horizon, replacing the dark with fresh, bright hope. (I am a self-professed #sunrisefanatic) A new day with no mistakes in it yet, as my beloved Anne would say.

My past life is liberally sprinkled with new beginnings, with fresh starts, with do-overs, mostly thanks to the extreme ups-and-downs of bipolar disorder. Very often, a debilitating episode of depression was closely followed by an overly-ambitious, highly optimistic period where I believed anything was possible and that there was nothing I couldn't do, no matter how badly I had failed at that particular thing in the past.

I probably don't need to say how exhausting and demoralizing this roller coaster life was for me, not to mention the people closest to me. I'm only beginning to realize what a toll this illness took on myself and my nearest and dearest.

Which is why I really can't adequately express how thankful I am that bipolar disorder no longer overshadows my life (you can read about that here).

My life over the past two and a half years has been vastly different in EVERY way. It's been absolutely wonderful, but I keep feeling that I need to get to know myself all over again, and that's still a little disorienting.

All that being said, I approach this dawn of a new year with mixed feelings and uncertain expectations.

This past year has been pretty wonderful. While there were certainly moments that were discouraging, disappointing and difficult, I feel I've made some good progress in 2019 along the path I feel called to pursue.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel in need of a new start, per se. I haven't fallen off any wagons, or strayed too far from the path, or experienced any major set-backs. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this is a really good thing!

However, with a New Year in front of me, it seems as good a time as any to do some dreaming and to set some goals for the year to come.

If you're new around here, you might not know that I make it a habit to choose one word for each year. It usually takes awhile to nail down, since I really want it to be a word that will inform all of my decisions and set the tone for the entire year. Joy, impossible, all, overcomer and thanks have been words I've selected in the past.

Great words, right? But I could never remember them! So they did me very little good. However, last year was different. I chose the word fearless, and posted it everywhere - on my alarm clock, my mirror, my closet, my computer, my phone... and I found it to be very helpful as I went about my days!

When I think about what I want this year to look like, several words come to mind. Present and intimacy were ones I considered - I've been hesitant to let my real self show to people in my current face-to-face life. It's relatively easy to write all this out and put it out there in cyberspace, but to have people I interact with regularly know the real me with all my faults and fears and failings is pretty scary. But, oh how I crave it - to be known (and maybe even loved), to be a participating member of a genuine community. But these words weren't as all-encompassing as I needed them to be.

So I finally settled on deeper. Richard Foster, a very wise man I respect so much, said that "the desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people."  My heart's desire to go deeper -with God, in all my relationships, in how I love others, in worship, in self-discipline, in commitment, in celebration, in sorrow, in righteous anger, in passion, in faith, in knowledge, in wisdom, in peace, in generosity, in courage, in joy!

I've lived a very superficial life out of fear of rejection, failure, and pain. But I've had a taste of what the deeper life might be like in 2019, and I want more. I want to go there, in spite of the inevitable rejection, failure and pain. Is it a bit terrifying? You bet! However, I firmly believe that the joy will outweigh the pain. So I'm diving in!

What do you hope 2020 will look like for you? I'd love to hear if you have a word, or a resolution, or a goal, or a hope or a dream! Happy New Year, dear Friends! ❤

Joy?

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2)

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I had almost forgotten about this verse. When things are smooth-sailing and happy-happy, it's easy to forget. Comfort and peace are lovely and desirable, but they don't drive me to God like trials do.

With the crashing down of my career dreams and subsequent financial strain, I find myself in painfully familiar territory. But as things are getting tighter and tighter, I'm experiencing the presence of God in a powerfully personal way. God's gone out of His way this week to show me what a gift this particular brand of trial is, and has been, in my life.

I've been short on joy (pun fully intended 😊) for a long time, and it was only when my situation became desperate that I rediscovered (the) real joy. As long as I believed, even subconsciously, that I could take care of my self and run my own life successfully, there was an underlying hint of dissatisfaction and discontent that shrouded everything in subtle shades of grey. As long as I felt the responsibility to solve my own problems and make my own decisions; while I insisted on holding the reins of my future; when I ceased depending on God for direction and inspiration and provision, my joy ebbed.

What a wonderful thing it is to have no other choice but to depend on Him to bring me through a particular situation! (Correction: I always have a choice; it's just that there are times when He makes the choice a really easy one 😊) The Message puts it like this, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colours."

I was dismayed and a little ashamed to witness my own reaction to recent rejection and redirection. My faith really floundered for awhile. All summer, anxiety and unease were my constant companions, along with the heavy burden of self-inflicted self-reliance. I'd been looking at the goodness of God through the lens of my circumstances, not the other way around.

But God loves me too much to let me flounder forever. He collected all my broken pieces and is putting me back together. He never forces me into anything, though - I love that about Him. He's been gently calling me to surrender to Him again - it's a decision I need to make over and over and over. Every time I take it all back on my own shoulders, God's kindness (eventually, because I'm pretty hard-headed) leads me back to repentance and surrender. One of the gracious gifts of this trial has been release from that heaviness. I'm so thankful!

Life is so much better, fuller, deeper, richer, sweeter with Him! That's where (the) real joy is - with Him! That's where I keep uncovering who I really am, where I'm encouraged and empowered to affirm my identity and value and purpose. He's reminded me that I've already been set free to rejoice, to mourn, to connect, to create, to work, to rest, to dream, to delight - to live.

#grateful ❤

Here We Go Again

When I was prompted to start this blog (almost nine years ago?!), it was because I'd had a major revelation about my life and why I was practicing harmful, destructive, compulsive behaviours. I was unknowingly trying to kill myself with food because I hated myself.

That initial blog post (you can check it out here if you've joined me more recently) was the first brave, terrifying step down a path of self-discovery, self-disclosure, healing and growth. I'm so grateful for the journey.

One reason I'm particularly grateful is that I'm able to identify more readily now when something's not quite right in my life. Blogging has a proven track record of providing me with a bit of clarity - quite often, I don't know how I feel about something until I write it out.

The past few months have been rough - unsettled. Uncertain. Ever since last March, when the possibility arose that my dream job might become available. I quit my (not-dream) job at the end of June so that I'd be available should the opportunity arise to pursue this dream. I did everything I could to be ready - I prayed, I studied, I read, I researched, I connected, I engaged... I wanted it so much; I felt so sure that everything in my life had been preparing me for this; it was exactly the right time and place; it would solve so many problems; it would be satisfying, meaningful work that I was made to do...

On the one hand, I knew I had what was required to do this job well; on the other hand, I knew it was a long shot, that there was a high probability, based on my resume and qualifications, that I wouldn't be considered. But I believed in my heart that this was it.

Long story short, it wasn't. I received a very kind message that they had decided not to pursue my application. I thought I was sufficiently prepared for a "no", but no. I was devastated. Heartbroken. I felt rejected, worthless, invalidated. I felt as though the rug had been pulled out from under me.

For months, I had been dreaming of what this new life would look like. How I would deal with the challenges. How I would help bring improvements and growth. I hadn't seriously considered any other scenario. I was left floundering.

It's been a couple of weeks since I received the news. I went through a real crisis of faith, wondering if I'd ever really heard from God at all or had I just been mistaking my will for His all this time. My relationship with food relapsed into something that looked much more like an addiction again. (I gained back ten pounds by eating for comfort in the uncertain months between March and August; five more in the last few weeks).

The cause of those most recent five pounds was not only emotional/comfort eating, however. I'd begun to self-sabotage again; I was eating to hurt myself. I was sabotaging myself in other ways, too - setting myself up for failure in my home business, isolating myself from my family and friends...

But thanks to this blog (and a highly insightful lesson at CR the other night), I was able to recognize the patterns before they spiraled completely out of control. I was able to look back at my past for clues about my current behaviour, and to recall that I self-sabotaged because of self-hatred and shame...

...which caused me to examine my current situation for shame and its roots. And what I discovered has been immensely useful in unraveling my current mess: now, like in the past, my shame was rooted in my perceived identity. I hadn't realized I'd banked so much of my worth on this job. Digging a little deeper, I uncovered the real roots - my identity is firmly tied to my ability/inability to make money. For so many years, I was unable to keep a job due to my mental illness. My inability to consistently contribute to our family's financial stability constantly ate away at my self-worth.

And then I was healed from bipolar disorder (see this post for all the wonderfulness!) and could finally work! There were many other issues that needed to be dealt with over those past couple of years, but finances were no longer a heavy burden - and it was wonderful!!!

Then I quit my steady-income, not-dream job to work from home, and all of a sudden, financial worries were haunting us again. I guess it's no wonder I reverted to my previous self-harm practices - it triggered the same shameful feelings and misguided beliefs in me.

Phew... I get it now! I still don't know what to do with my life now, and I still hesitate to believe that I'm hearing from God at all, but now I know what I need to do. I thought I had settled my identity issues once and for all, but it looks like I get to go deeper and uproot these false ideas. Oh goody 😊

I really am grateful. I have a choice - I don't have to continue these patterns. I don't have to be a slave to my feelings and fears. I can step into the light that God is shining on my issues and work with him to make changes, both in my thoughts and my actions. I am not alone ❤