Shaken AND Stirred

Have you ever read anything by Anne Lamott? Thanks to the magic that is Facebook, I've seen bits of her writing over the past few years - always raw, gritty, real, funny, poignant, intriguing, offensive and full of truth that nobody wants to admit to. But I'd never picked up a book of hers until a few weeks ago. Full of sudden resolve, I grabbed everything that was available at my neighbourhood library one day (after I'd finally paid my shockingly large overdue fines): a novel from 1983 (Rosie) and two more recent non-fiction titles (Small Victories - Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace and Help, Thanks, Wow - The Three Essential Prayers). I highly recommend them, but at the same time - read at your own risk!

I'm still trying to decide. or figure out, what reading these works is doing to me, in me. I feel shaken and stirred, strengthened in spirit but somehow depleted as well. I can't say that I encountered any brand new ideas or had my mind blown in any major way, but there's something...

First of all, I'm incredibly inspired. I want to live a life worth writing about, and I want to write stuff that's worth reading, that stirs hearts and allows people to say in response, "me, too!" I want people to know that they're not alone by sharing my story, my journey. I want to be honest about my struggles and victories, my joys and sorrows, my doubts and fears. I want to be my own keenest observer, eyes and heart wide open to what God is doing in me, around me, through me, in spite of me...

But there's also a faint, lingering note of panic, of urgency. I have a sense that my time of study, of rest, of wisdom-gathering, of reading and writing, of observation and learning, is coming to a close, and that a new, challenging-in-a-different-way season will soon be upon me. And so I want to cram in as much as I can while I still have the opportunity.

I'm concerned, though. (Who am I kidding - I'm downright worried, no - terrified...) I don't feel at all prepared to leave this chapter behind - I don't feel like I've learned enough, changed enough, absorbed enough. But that's just like God, isn't it...from what I've seen, He tends to equip as we obey, as we take steps of faith beyond our current capabilities. And maybe, just maybe, this foundation He's been building in me these past couple of years will be firm enough to withstand the inevitable strain of the days to come.

I guess it all remains to be seen...

Singing in the Rain

I took a walk through the woods in the rain today. I heart rain. So much so that most people think I'm a little weird in this respect. When I was as young as three years old, I would sit out in a lawn chair in our yard during thunder storms, my small heart thrilling to the wind and wet, the crash and flash. "Pluviophile", while not a real word, is the urban dictionary's term for my condition: "a lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days." Next to walking on a beach, this is the activity that most feeds my soul.

And my soul needed...something. Since becoming aware of the imminent possibility of being consumed again by depression (as described in this  post), I've been seeking out ways to avoid it, to counteract it, to rebuke it, to nullify it, to appease it, to fend it off...if that's within my reach at all.

So I took to the dripping trees. As previously mentioned, I love rain in general, but after a very dry winter and spring, it was exceptionally delightful. As the rain poured down, it seemed as though Nature was exhaling a satisfied, rose-scented sigh of pure gratitude. As though the earth had plucked up courage, refreshed and recharged and ready to fight another day, through drought and storm and whatever challenge might come along.

My own spirit responded. Seated on a rock beside a rushing stream, the soothing, soaking rain drenching me thoroughly, I breathed in that unique, invigorating scent that rises from wet woods and with it, renewed courage to resume my own battle, come what may. Whether it leads me through that deep, dark valley or across a serendipitous bridge to the other side, I will fight. Fight for freedom, for peace, for hope - for joy.

On the Edge

Oh, my dear Friends...I'm so afraid. What began as a slight unease in my soul seems to be slowly but surely nudging me closer and closer to the edge of that deep, dark, delusional pit of depression...and I so desperately want to avoid falling over the edge.

I know what lies over the precipice of this particular pit - been there, done that, got the t-shirt - several t-shirts. It's more awful than anything I've ever walked through. "Walked" isn't even the right term; more like slogged through, waded through, sat-inertly-like-a-bump-on-a-log through...

I DON'T want to go there again! I don't, I don't, I don't! It's such a scary, solitary, sad, surreal place. A place in which it seems impossible to even see the truth, let alone believe it. Where I yell at my kids and then cry, and buy chips and eat them all and feel even worse, where my house is even more of a wreck than usual and my relationships are sorely neglected, where it's painful to be with people but the loneliest place I've ever been, where joy is elusive and hope non-existent. I feel like a toddler on the verge of a tantrum, stamping feet and pounding fists and screaming, "nononononononono!".

Is it remotely possible to avoid going there? Or even desirable? Should I simply embrace the inevitable, trusting that this too shall pass and that all things will work together for my good?  I'm not sure I have any other option, to be completely honest.

I can't recall ever being aware that a "depressive episode" was imminent; only finding myself in the middle of it and waiting for it to lift. And the lifting, I definitely remember the lifting.

So maybe this is something else. Maybe I'm not about to go over the edge. Oh, I hope so.

But I'm hedging my bets. You may recall that in at least one other post, I begged you not to advise or sympathize. Well, I'm reversing that. Please, please share with me your own stories, what has helped you or someone you know in a similar situation. Comment here, Facebook me, email me, text me...And please pray for me, if praying's your thing. Bless you, Friends.