I've Got Rhythm

I don't have rhythm, actually - I can't even clap and sing at the same time. I've tried using a tambourine or an egg shaker a time or two, but it wasn't pretty. And I can't dance. Like...at all. For most of my Baptist-steeped life, this presented no problems (except for when they tried to teach me the Landler in high school for the Sound of Music - now that was entertaining), but now I'm a member of a Pentecostal choir, and they've got rhythm just oozing out of them. And don't even get me started on my family! Not sure how the rhythm gene missed just me, but my Dad's a member of a barbershop quartet with moves, my Mom can dance up a storm, my brother's a drummer, bassist and guitar player, my sister is a professional bassoonist and music teacher, not to mention my husband and boys who are are all awesome musicians. Sheesh!

But you know what? That's ok. That's not really the kind of rhythm I'm looking for. What I'm earnestly seeking right now is a good rhythm for my days, one where everything important fits and there's room to pause and to ponder, to admire and appreciate life. I first stumbled upon the life rhythm image about a year ago at an intensive workshop, and it sure sounded like a good idea at the time! However, moving from theory to practice is proving to be far more challenging than I had originally anticipated. I'll come up with a rhythm, work on implementing it, do really well for a few days or weeks, then get side-swiped by some crisis, large or small, which completely distracts me and throws me off course. The important is replaced by the tyranny of the urgent and that which is good and necessary and soul-nourishing and life-giving gets dropped completely. Weeks later, I'll resurface, gasping for breath, and have to start all over again. The worst of it is, it's become a great source of guilt, since I set up expectations of myself and seem to fall short over and over again. Which is exactly the opposite purpose of pursuing this in the first place!

The most recent cycle of this really turned our household upside down for a time - and everything I'd been working to establish went right out the window. All of my energy and attention went to sorting out the crisis at hand, to the exclusion of pretty much everything else. It made for some very anxious, uncomfortable, unsettled days - for all of us. (Because you know it's true, that "if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...)

What I really need is a crisis-proof rhythm! One that has spaces, that has some give, some flexibility. I also need to determine what are the absolute essentials, the non-negotiables, that which is necessary for peace and order and security for myself and my family. I need an ideal rhythm, one that includes everything that I've determined is important and valuable, and a bare-bones, survival kind of rhythm for when those crises come - because you know they will! Grace, that's what's needed here:

Come to me. Get away with me 

and you’ll recover your life. 

I’ll show you how to take a real rest. 

Walk with me and work with me—

watch how I do it. 

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 

Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

(from Matthew 11, The Message)

Oh, "to live freely and lightly"! I think my time would be best spent learning to walk with Jesus, learning these "unforced rhythms of grace." I have a feeling that if I focus on this, everything will fall into place. What a wonder to have a Saviour who invites us to walk with Him, who cares for us so intensely and intimately, whose hand is in the details, whose plans for us include such freedom and peace and joy! Thank you, Lord!

Too Much?

I want to apologize. I think. I don't know - I'm so confused...

An innocent comment has inadvertently caused me to take a long, hard look at my life. It was something like, " I think you're at a different level of Christianity than I am". And then, a few weeks back, a friend thanked me for some encouragement I had offered, then added, "but don't overdo it." It had never occurred to me before, but putting the two incidents together, I'm cringing now to think that I might be projecting some sort of holier-than-thou, so-heavenly-minded-I'm-no-earthly-good, looking-at-the-world-through-rose-coloured-glasses vibe to people in my world. Do I overdo it? Am I too much when it comes to my faith? Do I seem insincere? Over the top? Do I encourage too much? Am I too enthusiastic, too positive, too joyful?

I'm not fishing for compliments or affirmation here, I promise... I'm genuinely concerned that what I'm putting out there might be turning people off to Jesus. Or at the very least, having my witness overlooked or passed by or dis-counted because I appear to be deceptive, devious, evasive, false, fake, hypocritical, phony or just plain silly (frivolous, childish, preposterous, ridiculous...). (Thank you, thesaurus(dot)com.)

And if this is actually the case, what in the world do I do about it? Because, believe it or not folks, it's all real. I love to encourage people. I get giddy when I get to worship. All those lovely Facebook pictures with great verses or quotes really do speak to me and challenge me. The glory of nature really does thrill my soul. I get so excited about what I'm learning that I just have to share it. Yes, I get sad and discouraged and frustrated and fearful at times, and I try to be up-front about that, too. I call this blog (the) real joy for a reason, and I'm doing my best to live my life after the same pattern. I'm not trying to justify anything here, just stating the facts.

But I never stopped to consider before what my life must look like to other people. Am I alienating people with whom I should be trying to connect? Am I causing anyone to stumble? Am I helping or hurting the cause of Christ? Does anyone actually take me seriously? Am I being a faithful ambassador? A credible representative?

Are these even the right questions? I don't know. But then there's this:

For the message of the cross 

is foolishness to those who are perishing, 

but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 

(1 Corinthians 1:18)

I don't even know if that particular verse is relevant to this discussion, but it's what came to mind. All I know is that I want to be all His. I want to be right in the middle of what He's doing. I don't want to hold anything back. But there is such a thing as maturity, tact, wisdom, restraint - right? 

Yes, I'm actually asking the questions. I must admit to a sort of sinking, quaking sensation when I consider the potential feedback on this post. I find myself hoping, in my most secret, insecure heart-of-hearts, to hear from at least one person in my world that I'm awesome just the way I am (smirk), but I tremble at the thought that someone thinks this is a valid concern, even if they never say so. Regardless, I believe there's value in self-examination for the purpose of self-improvement. And I believe in the value of wise counsel from fellow believers. And I believe that God reveals truth when we seek Him. So bring it on! 

Sometimes It's Hard to Keep Smiling...

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

 Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, 

my Saviour and my God. 

Psalm 42:11

Having a name like "Joy" is a lot to live up to sometimes. How I feel about my name has changed often and dramatically over the years. It has seemed to me both a blessing and a curse, both a self-fulfilling prophesy and a cruel joke at various times and seasons in my life. The thing is, I've always felt it creates expectations; preconceived notions of what I must be like before someone even meets me. There have been times that this has been a great burden to me - just another instance of not measuring up in a life that, from my perspective, has been characterized by that very thing, that never-good-enough syndrome. At other times, and much more frequently these past few years, I have loved my name! I'm learning what it really means to have - to be - the joy of the Lord. That the joy of the Lord really can be my strength. 

I've stumbled again into sadly familiar territory these past few days and weeks; weeks filled with doubts and fears and conflicts and questions and distractions and disappointments - expectations not met, goals not reached, plans stalled, trust faltering, hope failing, joy stolen. I've struggled with how to handle it; with what face to present to the world. It's the same old battle: I want to be real, but I want the real to be good. But the truth of the matter is, I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed in God. 

Even as I type out those words, I know better. I do! I know that God's timing is perfect, I know His plan is always good, I know He's trustworthy and faithful and kind and merciful and gracious and just. But right now, I can't see it. I'm blinded by my circumstances. And I know I'm blinded by my circumstances! That's one of the reasons I'm so disappointed in myself - I should know better. I should have more faith. I should be able to trust. But right now, I can't. I'm frustrated. And afraid. And impatient. And doubtful. And rebellious. And sad. Everything that's the polar opposite of "joy", to be honest. In fact, "joy" epitomizes everything I'm not right now. 

Isn't that interesting? The enemy comes only to steal, kill and destroy, and he starts with our identity - with the essence of who we are. "Joy" is my birthright as a child of God. Nothing can change that - nothing. Neither my feelings nor my circumstances can change who I am in Christ. 

This is small comfort as I walk this particular road, but it's a start. I need to allow the truth of it to wash over me, to soak into my life and consciousness, to redirect my thoughts and interpret my emotions. The Scripture I started with is helpful for me today. It tells me I can be honest about how I feel, but it also encourages me not to stay parked there, "downcast" and "disturbed". And it gives me some practical advice on getting out of this pit: "I will yet praise him". A very good place to start.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

 Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, 

my Saviour and my God. 

Psalm 42:11

Thank you, Lord, for the grace to praise you in the storm. Amen.