Yoke

I'm sitting here at my little yellow writing desk, gazing past my computer screen at the lego-strewn living room, enjoying a cool breeze as the sun begins to set on a hot summer day, inhaling the tantalizing scent of the vanilla candle beside me - content, satisfied; reflecting on the past few weeks.


I still can hardly believe the change that has taken place in my heart, my life and my family - miraculous is the only word that comes close to describing it. My husband and I were discussing the change in me and resulting shift that has taken place in our relationship the other night and he said, "These have been the best weeks of your life, haven't they?" and I realized that he was right!


I don't think I can overstate the difference it makes to know and really believe that God is for me, is on my side, isn't mad at me, doesn't hold me to unattainable expectations - loves me personally, unconditionally, exactly as I am... It sickens me now to think how insidiously these lies about Him invaded the private sanctuary of my heart; and how long I allowed them to remain and fester and grow.


I was just about to write that it wasn't until my shame was lifted and disposed of that I could receive God's love, but upon closer examination of my experience, it was God who made the first move - it's always God first. While I was still all wrapped up in my cloak of shame, God came along side me and began to soften my heart. Almost against my conscious will, He stepped in and tenderly wrapped His arms around me and whispered words of love and acceptance and peace; something in me just seemed to melt. I'd never experienced His presence in that way before - affection, warmth, comfort, intimacy (oh, how I used to hate and fear that word!); no hint of judgement or expectation or evaluation...No, wait - there was evaluation; I felt deep in my soul that I was deemed utterly worthy by the only One whose opinion counts, finally freed to accept the love that He has always wanted to lavish on me.


I often wonder, if it's God who must always make the first move, if it's He who must cause us to "will and to act according to His good purpose" (Philippians 2:13); why He doesn't, in the wise words of the Nike commercials, just do it?! If it was God who needed to soften my heart so that I could accept His love, why didn't He do it years ago? Why not when I was a new Christian at the age of 6? Why not then, before the mantle of shame became so deeply embedded? I can only conclude that God cares more for His glory and my good and my growth than my immediate comfort and convenience. This is true love. What a story I have to share now - and it's not even finished yet!



As I struggle to believe that this amazing change in my life is for real, that it might actually last - I've been drawn to this verse again and again:

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves

be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

(Galatians 5:1)

Christ has set me free, there's no denying that, but I can definitely bear witness to the fact that it is far too easy to become burdened again by a yoke of slavery. This verse tells me that, though it's God who does the freeing, I also play a part in my continued freedom. I get to choose what yoke I will wear; I can choose to allow myself to be burdened again - or not! And it's a choice that must be made deliberately, intentionally, daily, sometimes hourly or minute-by-minute...And since I get to choose, I pick this one:

 “Come to me,

all you who are weary and burdened,

and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for I am gentle and humble in heart,

 and you will find rest for your souls.

 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

(Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)

And, since many of us have heard these particular words so often that they cease to carry any meaning, I'll leave you with another expression of this beautiful and freedom-giving truth:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion?

Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life.

I’ll show you how to take a real rest.

Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

 I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.

 Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

(Matthew 11:28-30, The Message)

Ah, to "learn the unforced rhythms of grace"; to "live freely and lightly" - therein lies real joy!

A Very Happy Anniversary!

In a few days, I will be celebrating my 16th wedding anniversary. This, my friends, is nothing short of a miracle! I'm usually very careful not to drag the issues of my family members into my musings here, but my husband has agreed to a certain amount of revelation for the sake of encouragement and truth.


We became aware of our issues pretty early on in our marriage, but bumbled unhappily along for years, occasionally trying to make changes. It became a pattern, every couple of years or so, to have a huge blow-up of some kind, then the talking and crying and praying and vowing that things would be different this time...but nothing ever really changed.


Well, we finally accepted the fact that we needed outside help to sort through our issues; that we simply couldn't carry on like this anymore. It was do or die, as far as we were concerned. And so, we started seeing a counsellor, much to our shame and embarrassment at the time. It wasn't too far into our sessions that our counsellor determined that she needed to see me on my own for a bit. (Chris has been bravely and deliberately dealing with his issues for the last 4 years and growing like crazy - I guess I had some catching up to do :) )


Turns out that this was exactly what was needed. Thanks to a wise and Spirit-guided counsellor, I found out all kinds of things that had to be identified, confessed, and broken off. So many lies I'd been believing for so long that they were before now undetectable, about myself and God especially. Underlying all of this was a heavy load of shame, so much a part of me that it had essentially become my identity; the filter by which I viewed and lived all of my life.


 Then, this wise woman had me picture in my mind exactly what this shame looked like that has been covering me and negatively affecting everything from self-image to relationships for most of my life. (I've mentioned here in a previous post how God revealed this shame thing to me a few months ago, and that I'd made some progress in understanding the issue but very little in overcoming it.) As skeptical as I might be about this kind of exercise, a picture came to me immediately - a huge, filthy, heavy, tattered, grimy, suffocating blanket wrapped tightly around me, covering me from head to toe.  We then asked God to take it and destroy it once and for all and replace it with His truth. And He did! She asked me what He had replaced it with, and I saw another picture right away: myself in a garment of sparkling, glowing, glittering white; perfectly fitted and beautiful! This vision, this gift, and the unbounded love and absolute acceptance that accompanied it, reduced me to tears of pure delight. It was an amazing experience, and I left full of joy and feeling free as I never had before, but still underneath it all a nagging doubt that it couldn't last, that I couldn't really change...


The next morning, the shame was still gone, the freedom was still there - much to my surprise and delight! On my way home from driving my son to school, I was singing and praying and rejoicing in this beautiful freedom, when God clearly spoke. He asked me what was holding me back now from forgiving my husband (and myself) for the past and fully engaging in this marriage relationship. I had no answer - NOTHING was holding me back! It was like a rebirth.


And without going into too much detail, the days since that day have been AMAZING! While we're both a bit wary lest it fade, we're trusting God to help our unbelief and sustain us in all this wonderful change. Real joy, indeed!

Refuge

Yes, I have good reasons for not having written in awhile and no, I'm not going to get into them right now...Sorry, do I sound defensive? It's just one of the many, many things I'm working through at the moment - learning to forgive myself for not meeting my own (actual) and others' (perceived)  expectations. Oh, I foresee that many juicy blog topics will be forthcoming in the next few months from my experiences these the past few weeks. Exciting!


I just wanted to stop by and share with you a beautiful truth I've known forever but only very recently started to experience as a reality in my life. It's yet another one where I just have to shake my head and say to myself, "Really? How could this have eluded you for so long?!" It all started last summer when I met Louise. (Actually, it all started with Jesus, but most of you know that part of the story already...) From the moment I met her, and even more so as I came to know her better, I knew that she got it. She was (and is) so absolutely sure of God's love, so completely satisfied and fulfilled and confident in Him, that His love just poured out of her, all. the. time. And not in some annoying, forced, false, duty-driven bubbling over for Jesus, but a genuine, authentic, almost-inadvertent outpouring of love and joy and peace and grace and truth and hope - from her Source. You just love to be around her, because she makes you feel like the most important, valuable person on the planet! Every single time I'd have any contact at all with her, I'd come away with two things: 1) the love and hope and validation and encouragement that I needed to go on and 2) a question - where does that come from? The way she knows Jesus has got to be different from the way I know Jesus...


I didn't realize I was asking that question until after I found the answer :)  The past few weeks have been some of the most challenging of my life (and that's saying something, when I look back over my recent history).  Circumstances have compelled me to question everything - except God. Amazing how trials will bring you to your knees, isn't it? Actually, to be perfectly honest, I did question and doubt and wonder where God was in this mess - but He showed me. He showed up. (I usually hate that phrase, but no other words can describe it better.) In ways that I couldn't possibly deny. The past few days especially, I've had this strange, peaceful, cozy sensation, the way I might feel wrapped up in a blanket in front of a fire with rain pounding on the window - welcome, for sure, but very new and unfamiliar and unexpected, given the general upheaval that is currently my life. It wasn't until a couple of days ago that I identified what was going on, when I heard again a song on the radio that had always annoyed me a bit because she (Jamie Grace, maybe?) sounded so smug,

"Wake up and smile, 'cause it's been awhile;

it's been like a whole day since I stopped

so You could hold me;

Lord, You are the refuge

that I can't wait to get to..."

That's what it is, this strange new sensation! It's God, holding me! Being my refuge, my protector, my strong tower! I would never allow Him to do that before.  Maybe I didn't believe I was worth it, maybe I wanted to maintain control, maybe I wanted to be strong, maybe I've always thought God was just a little bit angry with me...but that's why the song always annoyed me, because I didn't know God like that!  (It's funny, because that song always reminded me of Louise (minus the smugness). ) And something deep within me longed to know that comfort and security. But now! I don't know exactly how it happened, but now I finally know that "God is for me, not against me" (in the words of another great song that always kind of annoyed me...hmmm...)


Weakness can be a beautiful thing.

"My grace is sufficient for you,

for my power is made perfect in weakness."

(2 Corinthians 12:9)