Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Sometimes It's Hard to Keep Smiling...


Why, my soul, are you downcast?
 Why so disturbed within me? 
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, 
my Saviour and my God. 
Psalm 42:11

Having a name like "Joy" is a lot to live up to sometimes. How I feel about my name has changed often and dramatically over the years. It has seemed to me both a blessing and a curse, both a self-fulfilling prophesy and a cruel joke at various times and seasons in my life. The thing is, I've always felt it creates expectations; preconceived notions of what I must be like before someone even meets me. There have been times that this has been a great burden to me - just another instance of not measuring up in a life that, from my perspective, has been characterized by that very thing, that never-good-enough syndrome. At other times, and much more frequently these past few years, I have loved my name! I'm learning what it really means to have - to be - the joy of the Lord. That the joy of the Lord really can be my strength. 

I've stumbled again into sadly familiar territory these past few days and weeks; weeks filled with doubts and fears and conflicts and questions and distractions and disappointments - expectations not met, goals not reached, plans stalled, trust faltering, hope failing, joy stolen. I've struggled with how to handle it; with what face to present to the world. It's the same old battle: I want to be real, but I want the real to be good. But the truth of the matter is, I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed in God. 

Even as I type out those words, I know better. I do! I know that God's timing is perfect, I know His plan is always good, I know He's trustworthy and faithful and kind and merciful and gracious and just. But right now, I can't see it. I'm blinded by my circumstances. And I know I'm blinded by my circumstances! That's one of the reasons I'm so disappointed in myself - I should know better. I should have more faith. I should be able to trust. But right now, I can't. I'm frustrated. And afraid. And impatient. And doubtful. And rebellious. And sad. Everything that's the polar opposite of "joy", to be honest. In fact, "joy" epitomizes everything I'm not right now. 

Isn't that interesting? The enemy comes only to steal, kill and destroy, and he starts with our identity - with the essence of who we are. "Joy" is my birthright as a child of God. Nothing can change that - nothing. Neither my feelings nor my circumstances can change who I am in Christ. 

This is small comfort as I walk this particular road, but it's a start. I need to allow the truth of it to wash over me, to soak into my life and consciousness, to redirect my thoughts and interpret my emotions. The Scripture I started with is helpful for me today. It tells me I can be honest about how I feel, but it also encourages me not to stay parked there, "downcast" and "disturbed". And it gives me some practical advice on getting out of this pit: "I will yet praise him". A very good place to start.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
 Why so disturbed within me? 
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, 
my Saviour and my God. 
Psalm 42:11

Thank you, Lord, for the grace to praise you in the storm. Amen.